Worries about the future...rational or irrational?

[superspychuck]

Hi everyone. I'm in my 30's. I've my pain from an accident...for years unfortunately.

I haven't had an MRI for years, but my symptoms haven't drastically changed, so I guess that's why. My last MRI was when I was about 22 years old. It showed bulges in five disks, an annular tear, and mild DDD. There were problems at all three levels. The DDD was at my cervical spine.

I wonder what an MRI of my back would look like now. My pain is a bit worse, but I deal with it. I worry about the future. Will my back just continue to deteriorate? Will I be wheelchair bound by 50 (or earlier)? I get scared about what my life will be like.

My pain isn't terrible (average 6) because it is under control with medications, therapy, and other things. I don't know. I just hope and pray that when I am older, if I have no one to take care of me, I will be able to take care of myself.

Note that there is really no logical reason for me to think I will have no one, as I do have family, a spouse, etc.,, but I still think about this.

Do you think other CPP's think about this stuff?

Thanks,

SS

[Mark N]

SS, your concerns are a common thing for CPers and it is natural. After all we have seen ourselves decline over time so it is no wonder we can anticipate it will continue as the years go by. Fortunately for most of us our decline slows down and we don't deteriorate as much as we think we will.

I have come to only think about today because if we think about the years of pain ahead and the amount of disability we may have it is too overwhelming if we are honest about it. I do know I can make it through one day no matter how bad the pain gets. Thinking about how much pain I have gone through the past 20 years would overwhelm me and get me depressed about life so it does no good to think about all those years. That leaves today to think about because I can handle that, even enjoying the good minutes, hours, or day that happen. The other thing about the future is we can't really know what will happen to us. I know my wife has worried that I will end up in a wheel chair but I don't think so. Big Joe that post here time to time was in a wheel chair following lumbar fusions and yet after 7 or 8 years began walking again not knowing anything that had really changed causing him to walk again.

Don't worry about thinking of the future but just know there isn't any way to change whatever will happen so focus on today getting the most out of it you can. By the way, you have dealt with this from a young age - 8 years earlier in life than I have - and have done a good job so far. Just keep it up and the future will take care of itself.

One thing I have considered is what difference does the cause of our CP make in the way we handle it. in your case you can point to an accident and think if not for the accident you would live a normal life. I don't have any accident or cause to point to so I am condemned to this life no matter what happened to me along the way. I don't have an answer for what difference it makes but I have wondered about it. Do you find yourself saying if only I hadn't been in that accident or if I had done something differently? I don't have those thoughts because there is nothing I could do to avoid my spinal condition.

[alex44]

SS - the trick is to keep a positive attitude. I myself carry a lot of survivors guilt(Don't ask, please) and am in therapy for it and the constant pain. I am sorry you are so young to have to go thru this, but things happen and we just have to keep positive and not let the bad thoughts overwhelm us. this board is a major source of therapy i guess you would say, since you can post, vent,etc, but keep it positive for everyone.
Blessings
Alex44

[superspychuck]

Thank you both!

Mark, your post really hit me...made me think, and put things into perspective. I really appreciate it. I've read it three times. Will write more later when this neck/head pain goes down.

Thank you again,

SS

[hummer]

Dear superspychuck....

I think when you are in pain...it can consume you...it is always in front of you...you are walking in it...it drys up brain matter...literally I think.....It can make it hard to see around it...to anything else...

I have severe injuries...brain and spine and hand and neck and and and and....sometimes I can get overwhelmed looking at the soup of pain I am in....but it is like looking at directions on how to do something....if you look at all of the directions at once...pages of them...it may seem too hard there is no way you could do it....but...if you look at the directions one step at a time...and do each little step before you look at the next step...it is just a whole bunch of little things to do...

I try to practice mindfulness...that...this moment is all there really is....anything past the moment you are in...is just made up by your brain....and laughingly I say....can't we endure anything for just a moment...?...

I have had times where I was in a wheel chair...then out....had to use a cane...and then didn't....back to having to use the cane...but I know that it will be different again....

Worry is a thing that can get you....though.....I worry about being homeless as I am not sustainable in a job....I have to practice letting go of it...or it would consume me....it has a time or two in the past as a few people on this board can attest to....

Worry is pointless though..because it doesn't change anything....If there is something you can do about it...do it...if there isn't anything you can do....worry just makes the situation worse....I know....but how do we get our brains to SHUT UP...I use creating beauty...to shut my brain up....making something with my hands or growing gardens...and offering it to others...taking you...past you...does that make sense....going beyond what you are qualifying yourself to be...in pain...crippled...depressed...what ever it is...that has you down....

I know that my injuries have given me tremendous blessings too...I am very patient...and have tremendous compassion...I see the world in a way...where the truth of what has value is blazingly clear.....I have gratitude and thankfulness...and it rises easily....pride has fallen by the wayside...I enjoy little things....I see beauty...differently....If you take stock of your life...by what pain has given you....sometimes the scales can actually tip in favor over what it has taken away....

I was in an accident too....one day....one moment...I was laughing...my life was good....from one moment to the next...total drastic change....nothing was as it was....nor would it ever be that way again....the only gaurantee is that things change...always...

I had a teacher...that was always saying....to change anything...it is just a shift in perception...I try to use that....

I have told this before...when my father died...I was over whelmed with sadness...My husband came over and was holding me while I cried....I remember even in my grief...that as I cried looking over his shoulder...I was seeing beautiful gardens...and as he was looking over my shoulder holding me...as tears, snot, and probably slobber was soaking his shirt...he was looking at garbage....I remember even in my tears....shifting him around so that he was looking at the gardens while I cried....a shift in perception.....

Okay...I have really rambled at you....

I hope you are feeling better...and have had some laughter since you first wrote....

Blessings to you....and to All Beings........

[Diandra]

Chuck, I think it is so normal and natural to worry and wonder what the future holds due to pain issues. Few folks want to be incapacitated and not able to care for themselves. I am with Mark...our life is what it is and you just have to work with what life has dealt, although I know in your case, pain at a very early age is so unfair. I, too, used to worry alot. I found all it did was stress me and was not in any way productive...it was a waste of precious mental energy. Now, I try to live week to week, and I push myself to do all that I can because I never know when I may be more incapacitated. I probably push too hard to do things but, even though I pay for it at times, I did it and am happier for it. Just recently, I traveled and attended a wedding a few states away. It was hard, but I did it and saw family members I had not seen in decades and it was so much fun. My brother in law is in a wheelchair (very rapidly from an ALS like illness) yet still managed to dance with our niece at the
wedding(swing dancing no less!). He is a great inspiration to me.

I don't have kids but do have a loving husband and great friends. Who knows what will happen when I am in my 60's, 70's, 80's if I make it that far. All I know is, I do all I can to live life to the fullest. I try to be a good person, I avoid people and situations that stress me or drain me(even if they are family members) and I try to always be positive and seek out happiness by being with people who are like minded and seek out things I enjoy and fulfill me.

A person could be perfectly healthy today and tomorrow be dealt a health crisis. None of us ever know. Do what you can to love your life, love your family and friends and do things that make you happy. I know this sounds rather pollyanna-like but it
is true. My friends and I joke about living like the women on that old TV show"the golden girls". When you are a true friend, a good person and seek happiness and brightness, it will come your way. Give yourself a gift and do something this week that really makes you happy, no matter what it. It may be small like buying a pretty bouquet of flowers for the women you love in your life or take a class in something you have always wanted to but never did like oil painting or woodworking, go to a museum or winery or baseball game, even if you can't afford it, do it anyway. Call a friend you have lost touch with or travel to someplace you have always wanted to go. Take the focus away from "what if" and focus on "what now".
I wish you the best.
Diandra

P.S. Over the past fews years I have known folks who have gone to assisted living or just apartments in assisted living facilities. I always thought I could not afford it but from what i have learned, if all assets are used or given to others, one can live in these facilities via Medicare/Medicaid. it may not apply when we need but it is the answer for many folks now. I have toured some very nice places with both my mother and MIL and they are very nice. Not my first choice but, you gotta do what you gotta do. Most folks want to live their lives out in their home and I have also seen folks with very little money do just that.
There is always a way. ALso, I recommend a book..."A whole new life" by Reynolds Price about man who got a devastating illness and how he dragged himself out of the hole he was in and started living the life he could.

[Naominjw]

SS, I think it is normal to worry about these things, to some extent. My level of worry about my future in pain fluctuates according to pain. When I had to get off one medication and could not even get up one step without pain, let alone a flight of stairs in my house, my level of worry escalated greatly. Hwoever, the future will be what the future will be. It is reasonable to worry some, especially if we can make plans, or even to get our mind wrapped around the possibilities. But it is not OK to worry too much and thus not enjoy what we have in the present. I love my life, in general. I love to grab the joy when I can. But when I am in terrible pain, I know that without some degree of "quality of life", life is not worth living.

For now, the joy for me outweighs the pain. But yes, I worry. I worry that in a year I will have no medical insurance. Should I be applying for disability? But am I truly disabled? I can still go on walks, although if I go too far I spend 3 days in pain, not being able to sleep, and having to go to therapy, etc. How do you SHOW that - "prove" you are in pain? But I can also dance. Especially if I have a couple drinks. But what they don't see is that I am swaying more than I am moving. But the rare occassions that I can party, I grab at that joy in spite of pain and not being able to move much. But that does not LOOK like a "disabled person." But what about work? Some days I am incapacitated. Some days I can sit and work. But I cannot stand around. So how does that prove "disability" So YES - I worry. Probably not enough!

Worry can provoke action in us. It has a useful purpose. Worry about my kids' health motivated me to seek better health care for them. It was positive.

So to answer your question, ask yourself... can your worry be a positive force?

And yes, some worry is normal. IMO.

[Mark N]

SS, How are you doing? I know you were planning on writing once your pain declined so I hope this means you have been busy and just haven't gotten back to the board. I hope you have gotten some relief so you can enjoy the days. Please write whenever you are able and let me know how you are doing.

[Kira]

I think the worry is rational & normal, but that doesn't mean that it is good for us. I mean, it's not like it's abnormal to be worried when you are having significant health issues that could impact your future. But, regardless of what's causing it, all of that worrying and stress and fear is hard on you mentally & physically. It's hard because we do have to plan for certain scenarios in the future (ie medical care, insurance, finances). But we also still need to live our lives now & enjoy the functioning we do have. I think it's important to work on living in the moment and making the most of what we've got while we've got it.... let ourselves worry about things sometimes, but not dwell... but it's one thing to say and another thing to do.