just words

[hummer]

I used to come here a lot...so needy....still needy...I was so lost......Yet I am feeling that way again...maybe something I read....or a remembering...or even a not remembering...yet I am again...slowly losing the sense of ground....that spot of be-ing...so I came here...still after all of these years....it is this spot...the blank space on a computer screen...that little icon on my desk top...never removed...a reminder...it is here...that place...that holds a tether...to something....?....just holding my fingers to the keyboard in this place....I can breathe a little easier...or let the tears fall....instead of holding them in...a pouring out...of the unknown...into the unknown.....

I have been watching...me....that observer within us all....the part of us that sees within and without....I am losing ability...my body is hell...okay...but my mind....I write words and know what I am thinking...and yet when I read them...they are twisted and turned...it isn't coming from the brain out my fingers...there are too....all those red dotted lines...underlining words...highlighting my confusion....the sign of proof...a small thing...so telling....

My heart hurts....I feel such sorrow....I don't want to look too hard....or maybe in some place within....I have looked...and not accepted...and so sorrow comes to live...an underlying current....moving below the surface of stillness....I try to hold....If I am still....I am steady...everything moves to me...through me...beyond me....I don't have to hold to anything...yet I am so afraid...of what comes before me...I want to leap and hold back the ocean...and even in this brain.....futility is known....

Accept...Accept....Accept....a life lived accepting...this is what is...should I bang my head against the wall wishing for different...when different is the WHAT that is mine....little shiftings...little adjustments....small maneuverings to no where...it remains...this expanse of nothing....filled with with volume...of a life's accumulation....expectations....struggle...despair ....there is joy....there is beauty....there is vision of what once belonged...and the wishing of what a heart could hold.....and no matter it sits in emptiness....and some aching sorrow....where does it touch me....just this weight of being held...enduring.........

I am tired....I am tired.......

Blessings on us all........

[agate]

Hi hummer,
It's heartbreaking to see how this board has become a shadow of what it was. It looks as if the Internet has evolved to a point where a general neurology message board, including many types of conditions, just isn't where people are spending their time. Maybe they've found so many more entertaining Websites to visit that they just don't come here any more.

Meanwhile, it's still here as a source of support for those who do visit. Neurological disorders often lead to an isolated lifestyle, for a number of reasons, and that's where a message board can still be very useful.

I'm concerned that so many people who used to come here and thought of this place as a source of human contact and even support are being disappointed.

I hope that some people working together here can keep this place going and build it up, maybe not into what it once was but into something different--maybe a smaller but friendlier place?

[Earth Mother 2 Angels]

((((((hummer)))))) ~

I'm so sorry for your pain, suffering and sorrow. While I don't know your specific experiences, I do understand all of these things very well. I reach out to you, offering my hand in friendship and support, and praying for comfort and peace for you.

For you, and others, who return here to find silent forums and the absence of old friends from long ago, I am sorry too. I think BT crashed one too many times for some folks, others left disappointed in the former owner/administrator of BT, and many vanished to join Facebook.

But some of us are faithful and remain here, keeping the light on for old and new friends.

May you find healing and strength to help you greet each dawn with hope.

Love & Light,

Rose

[hummer]

To Agate and Earth Mother 2 Angels...
Thank you for responding to my words....I did not wish to remain silent to your caring.....I see what has happened to braintalk...it used to be alive in a very full way....there are many forms of sharing...yet the anonymity of this place...the allowance to open that vein...of sorrow...pain...confusion...or fear and let it bleed..no matter how messy...or...how endless...that is not something to be done on facebook...or some meet and greet...'room'......

The first time I came to this place....my doctor had given me this note of paper...for me the internet was very new....he said if I typed in these letters I would arrive to a place...that could be an answer to my need.....I had such trouble with speech...allowing the thoughts...of....BE-ing.......what ever they would be...it was as if....I had come...to the unknown...and opened my hand...and strung together letters....poured them to the page...like water from a pitcher....freeing what ever wished to fall....I reached to click that button....holding in my thoughts...the image....of my words...as if entered on paper...then rolled up....tied them with a string....and held them forth......out over the edge of the universe....I hit enter...and let go.....I didn't really expect them to reach any destination...they were just released....freed from within....the winds of space would scatter them...like dried leaves in Autumn...to clatter and scrape against each other...crackling....wither smaller and smaller...with each tumble...wearing down to a powder of dust....and blown out into that blank void...I was letting it go into emptiness....not realizing emptiness would be so full.......

I came to write words again...just to let them go....seeing them before my eyes....marking a path....a trail in the search for my own compassion...to rise...There was no destination...I came back and looked at my words....they held on the screen...I could almost hear them in a soft voice saying....Look...Look...this is you....sitting on the stage of my own play.....I have lived words....and turned a page...and then another....still no destination....I am still tired...my words still dance and twist....I have to go back and make them smooth....yet in that doing.....it reminds me...my life....it is an act...of will....stretching the wrinkle...with a stroke of the hand....until it is gone.....pushed into emptiness......I feel sure....more wrinkles will line my life....just like they are starting to lay across my my face...a reminder...in the mirror......I am like the Autumn leaves....I clatter and scrape blown along....a bit more worn....in your words to me....I see your hearts....the reminder that emptiness is still full....
Blessings on us all..............

[alex44]

Hummer - I remember you from WAY back and You always were a caring person. I too am saddened by the state of the forum but I am seeing more posts( a good thing) And am praying for you. I can (unfortunately) totally relate
to what you are saying. I can't post much, Anti Viral therapy is as close to Chemo as I will get The S.E. are horrible but I DO want to see what's around the next corner of life. I truly hope you are able to get better and are presently doing well.
Blessings
Alex44
Skypilot