Guess I'll start a new one for this

[houghchrst]

Cj and I are separated. He still lives in the house for now as there are some repairs and bills that need to be taken care of. He is to move after Christmas. He finally got tired of me treating him like ****e and has decided he can't take it anymore. I don't blame him. I wouldn't either. Guess I should have acted sooner. Maybe he'll stay I don't know. He has his own issues.

as for my issues, I have been 'diagnosed' ACOA which is Adult Child Of an Alcoholic/Dysfunctional families. I have been trying to get to meetings and they have their own books which I have ordered including their 12 step work book.

also started attending church. Based on New Thought. I love it. It brings me joy. Though at first I was scared to death. Has taken years for me to get the nerve to go in. Started takin a meditation and prayer class there. Tired of hearing my doctors telling me I need to learn to meditate.

My bike, brings me such joy to cruise around the circle.

I have made friends in the neighborhood so am following my therapists advice. Now seeing her once a week instead of once every few months.

My room is full of notes taped to the walls and doors. Trying to get myself happy lol. Reading Happiness is an Inside Job. Amazing to me that between the books, the meetings and steps, and church I am gettting the same message from all three. I feel like I am surrounded by support.

Cj is not getting any support though I would not force him to. I will change he won't and will have moved on with the same ole baggage. He has a lot of anger and resentment against his familly. He's not ready to talk about it. Oh but I have to change. Yes i treated him like crap for 16 yrs but he has his own issues that he either denies or lies about so I am taking care of me.


It's agonizing him being here. I am one foot away and cannot touch him, cannnot use endearments. I miss being held, told I am beautiful. there isn't anyone else at least not yet but I won't hold my breath. He said he's too tired and stressed, and I think he's hoping for us to get back together. maybe, this wasnt my choice if I had my way we woud be working on this together. He has started drinking also. Not a lot but any is too much. He has blocked me from his Facebook page. probably embarrassed at the trash he puts on there. I cant talk about th9 annymore too upset

[sly4626]

I'm so sorry Christina. :( So sorry. You said you've made some friends that's good. Keeps your mind off things I hope?

You said you treated him like sh**. Nothing is just one-sided. It can't be just you. :( we're here for you when you want to write more. (((Hugs)))

Love,
Sly

[Earth Mother 2 Angels]

((((((Chris))))))

I'm so sorry that you and CJ are separated. Perhaps he will be inspired by your efforts to change and will begin seeking to help himself. If he holds hope for reconciliation, then he will need to realize that it will require making changes in and for himself.

I completely agree with Sly. It takes two to tango, and you didn't dance alone these past 16 years.

Your approach is growth and healing. His approach sounds destructive ~ drinking, banning you from his Facebook page, denying his issues.

But you aren't responsible for his behavior or his choices in dealing with his issues. You are responsible for you, and everything you are doing now is constructive and beneficial to you.

Your church gives you joy. Your bike gives you joy. How wonderful to read that you have joy in your life! Cling to it and embrace it. And bring more of it into your realm, as you push out the negatives.

Being separated but still living together is so very difficult. I suffered that for a year with my ex-spouse, and it was quite stressful. We did our best to schedule as little time together as possible. It helps to fill up your time with other things and to focus on those things, which bring you joy or relief or respite.

Start believing in yourself, being proud of your accomplishments, talents and gifts, and love yourself, Chris.

As humans, we make poor receptacles for love, if we don't already have a good supply of it within.

Victims of abuse and dysfunctional families often lack self esteem and feel unworthy of being loved. Remember that you are worthy of being loved and that you are loved by many. Even strangers you don't know on BT.

Everything you are doing right now is powered with positive energy, and it's all perfect for you. Mind, soul, and body are connected. As you continue on your healing path, you will probably notice palpable physical changes. You have a tremendous amount stuffed up inside of you, and as you release it, you will feel lighter and freer.

Two things: Tears and Laughter. Both are vital in balancing our hormonal systems. We actually secrete hormones in our tears. Let your tears flow. And be sure to find something humorous once a day to give you at least a chuckle. It works.

Stay on the path and keep the faith, Chris ~

Love & Light,

Rose

[tic chick]

chris ,

we all come with baggage from our childhood. sometimes we can work it out by ourselves, sometimes we need help and sometimes that baggage leads us to destructive behavior. i think you have to be the best person you can be in order to be in a relationship. that's why eventually i started going counseling for myself. i wanted to be the best that i could be. during my marriage, i started to make a life for myself. i found friends that i loved and things that i loved to do. eventually i got to the point where i asked my former husband if he wanted to go marriage counseling. it was not successful because he hadn't done the work of making himself the best person that he could be.

i continued living my life the way i wanted to. so did he. eventually i decided i didn't want to watch a person i loved self-destruct, so i got a legal separation. therapists say when couples talk to each other with contempt, it is the death knell of the relationship. i went to acoa/dysfunctional family meetings for a while. i am not a group person though, so individual counseling worked better for me. you have to find out what kind of life chris wants to lead. i found out what i loved to do and so i do a lot of that .

you're doing great finding things that you are happy doing. happiness IS an inside job and things don't make you happy, you're just happy to be alive and do the things you love to do. cj could have called you out on your behavior a long time ago, also. that he didn't says a lot about him, too. i kind of have a feeling what you're going through now...awakening to a world with possibilities that you have to decide what to grab. you're going to have bad days and good days. remember a phone call from me during one of my bad days? yes.

yes, physical closeness to someone is something you miss. you will find other ways to fill that need, other people to fill that need...i found my dad, my kids, all my friends, even my dogs. being responsible for yourself and others is a job.

this is for you because it helped me so much when i first read it maybe 30 years ago:

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

one of the people at bt that loves you,
jeannie

[joy]

Wow is all I can say dear Chris. I am so proud of you because of how you have held all things together. it has not realty been that long since your mother passed and here you are dealing with a life changing period of time to sort through..

You will make it. I sit here just thinking of how proud I am of you. Keep sorting things out, keep talking with whoever you need, therapist, friend whoever but don't push out your own thoughts or feelings. None of your taking all the blame because it is never that way at all. so no letting any of that stinking thinking enter your brain at all. I hope I have not said anything that is amiss dear chris as I would not want to hurt you for anything in the world. I wish it was so that I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big ole hug and hang on so tight until I had to release my arms for being worn out from all the hugging.

[dawnmn]

I'm so sorry about you and CJ. I'm glad that you are trying to move forward. Sometimes we move in a different direction than our partners. I just want to give you a hug also. You seem to be a strong woman. I believe that you can move forward.

[Buttons2]

oh Chris heres a big cyber hug. hopefully it will all workout between you & CJ. glad you are going forward.

[houghchrst]

you're all amazing. I am surrounded by the warmth and light I am feeling from all the love, hugs and support. Thank you so much. Jeannie, the poem is great and will be going on the wall. ACOA is so new to me. i never knew there was such a thing but the more i expand my horizons the more i hear about it. im growing. I did something, I feel, amazing tonite which at any other time in my life i would have mucked it all up and if it wasn't so long then I'd explain but let's just say I feel more great every day. Cj and I are still separated but the tension in the household is at a minimum. I feel more peaceful, trusting, and what ever happens, happens. I know I am doing what I need to do to be the best me.

I made a friend of our neighbors. Went over and spilled my guts to her. We have talked casually all summer and she has a beautiful Norwich Terrier girl who is a month older than our Dash named Juliette. we laugh about both being fixed but a guy's gotta try and shes a flirt, but I just needed someone neutral and new to hear it all. She was wonderful and we had coffee and chatted it up. I feel weird now she prolly thinks I'm nuts lol. Well maybe I am just a tad odd. I had mentioned to Cj that we need to make friends with them and she said she told her hubby the same thing.

[joy]

wow I am truly envious yes envious of your neighbor chris. it is a good thing any time you can share things, feelings both good and bad with someone. computer cyber friends are wonderful but the distance is always against you. a neighbor is a wonderful thing to have and especially is it develops further into friendship.

you have always amazed me at what you can accomplish and do. I am so happy right now, I was alone and was going to look up some numbers and decided to take a chance on someone, anyone posting on emotional support and -- drum roll....I get you and the sunshine flowing into the room.

and that reminds me, I do not have any address or phone number for you. if you want to keep it private that is fine . otherwise if you will pm me, I promise to place it in this brown spotted book that was em's. it is small and it might get lost but heck it is a start for me trying to keep up with numbers in my computer crashing always world. take care (((HUGS)))

[houghchrst]

back for update. We're broken up. He says he sees no chance of us getting back together. When I ask him he says yes he loves me but he just doesn't think things will work. Yes vague. I plan to get a definitive answer. I need to make sure I understand his reasoning even if he comes right out and says he doesn't love me. He is making friends at work and going out and being more social.

this is just killing me because it is what I wanted when we were together. To make friends, be social, go out and do things as a couple. Yes I'm making friends, going to church, my ACOA group, which I may have to quit. Friends in the neighborhood. When we were together it was always just us.

Im trying real hard to not take all the blame for this. The more I think on it it was just as much his fault. He had a horrible childhood and has more baggage than I even knew while we were together. He isn't interested in changing and he would have to for us to work.

I so do not want to end the relationship. I feel like I have this black twisting mass in my center and if I don't keep distracted I will rip in two. Then throw in male abandonment issues. I'm on the edge of a breakdown.

[Jo6]

lil queenie, you are already carrying around a truck load of Bud Light so lets not pick anything more up right yet, ok? Neither of us needs anything more to fret over.

Dagnabit, I've been on this computer much longer That the Drs. wants me to sit still. Well, don't know what to do about that. Just you with all your list makes me plum warn out! We'll pray a whole lot and trust God will hear our prayers.

You take care lil queenie and a whole bunch of hugs are coming your way.

all my love, Big queenie s

[joy]

wow how did I miss so much on my last post, talking bnout having neighbors and asll. missed the big one, you are split from your loved one. I sure hope that he is just seeing what it is like being on his own. typical man, now don't everyone shush me, I asm mnot going to bash the whole male bunch because there are a lot of good one. but even my own had breaskupsd that he chose, not me. and after awhile it was over and wed were back together. now that we are older I am so hoping to never have to go through any of that ever again.

chris you are such a good person my heart is aching right along with you. you just keep your head high and try to keep your spirit up as well. it must be difficult seeing him as you said and not getting to be with him. I hope this all passes and you rise way above him! I say all of this is just the male takes longer to mature or something. if you need me just yell. I hasve you and little one in my prayers. (((HUGS)))