A hard call

[JanM]

I was recently hospitalize and my family made sure that Hank got to visit, even though I was 50 miles away. After getting back home I was laying down to rest. My eyes shot open when I heard him talking about going to the hospital to visit me. I know that he has no idea the location of the hospital. I got up and he was surprised to see me, I asked where he was going. He told me of his intentions. I told him that I came home the day before. Later in the afternoon, I was going to lay down again. I went to Hank and asked him for his keys, explaining why, that I was worried that he would forget that I was home. I still have his keys and he wants them back. I am afraid that he will take off and not know where he is going. He asked for them today and I refused to hand them over and he was very angry. How do I handle this?

[tic chick]

jan ,

this is really a tough call to make. it happened to my late mil one easter when she was late for our dinner. she has never been late for anything! i had my hubby and son follow the route she would have taken to see if maybe her car had broken down. they didn't find her. about an hour later, i got a call from her saying she was at a gas station about 3-4 miles from our house and she was lost. we went to pick her up. she had been driving to our house for 24 years, and what she did was go straight all the way to the lake instead of making the right turn that would take her to our house. she made the right turn at the lake, cause she couldn't go any further. and that's how she would up almost in downtown detroit.

jan, the problem now is not only might hank get lost, but he might begin to drive erratically. i noticed this when riding with my late mil to the doctor's office. she would drive too fast, continuously pump her brakes whenever she felt uneasy about other cars near her and stop abruptly, so that passengers flew forward.

my husband asked to borrow her car, because he said our's was broken. we kept it for a week and she phoned and asked when she could have it back. we kept stalling her. then we got her tested for dementia and we put her in the assisted living center.

there are a few things you can do:

1. make excuses to hank when he asks to drive. say you would rather drive. get his mind off the topic.
2. i KNOW you can unscrew or disable the starter cable, cause you are a clever gal :).
3. call your secretary of state and tell them your hubby has alzheimer's and ask what you need to do to get his driver's license taken away from him. in michigan, it involved getting papers signed by the patient's doctor and forwarding them to the secretary of state. do not let hank automaticallly renew his license, if your state let's senior's do that. let him go in for a driver's test and maybe he might flunk it. but, i would try and get his license taken away first, cause he might not flunk the test, for some reason.

if i think of anything else, i'll post. i hope this gives you a start on doing something, though.

i didn't know you were hospitalized, but i'm glad you're back home and it sounds like you're doing well .

((((hugs, cause it is hard)))),
jeannie

[JanM]

I have taken over the driving. I did tell him that it was my turn at first and now I just say rhat I'm driving and he says, "OK, I don't feel like doing it today.." I do have to beat him to the truck's driver's door sometimes, though. When we arrived in Wisconsin he said that he was really tired from doing the driving here. He never drove one mile. Yesterday he said that he couldn't find his keys and demanded them when I told him that I had them He got very angry when I refused. He was agitated when he had asked for them, today he told me that he couldn't find his keys and I told that I had them and gave them to him. He was in a different state of mind today. I was thinking of having a key made. In these newer vehicles, a hardware store made key will open the door, but not start the ignition.

[dawnmn]

Jan, that's a good idea in regards to having a key made for him. My dad insisted that he could drive and we finally dismantled his car. For some reason he never ask to drive my mom's car.
Not driving is like giving up your freedom to come and go when you want too. That must be hard not to be able to do.

Hopefully, hank won't stick the extra key into the ignition and break it off.

[JanM]

Hank seems not to be confused as to where I am. Right now I will just let things go and watch and wait.

[mrsQ]

Jan don't trust those keys that will only open the door. Mr.Q had one of those to my truck on his key chain and one day we started somewhere & I grabbed his keys & that sucker cranked my truck right up?? I know it use to not do that so I have no idea why it does now but just thought I would mention that.
The driving thing is hard stage to go through. We are having problems with my Dad, not dementia related but his vision is just too bad & he gets really angry all the time about it.

[tic chick]

jan!

love your gb packers helmet avatar!

it reminds me of a little joke.

there was a woman who was doing her laundry. she gathered up her clothes and saw that the ones she had on were a tad dirty, too. so she took them off and went downstairs naked to wash all the clothes. when she was down there, she found her son's football helmet that he had been looking for, so she put it on her head so she wouldn't forget it. as she was puttig her clothes in the washing machine, she heard a cough and suddenly realized the furnace repairman was down there still.

he looked at her and said, "i hope your team wins, lady."

i always wondered how you could not know that a repair person was in your basement *confused .

thank you for sharing and caring,
jeannie

[momster]

Jan, I feel for you. We have gone through this with my dad and my MIL. MIL lived on the other coats from us, and one day my husband went to meet her in the airport and she was no where to be found. She got lost in the city she had lived in her entire life, and was found about 8 hours after she left for the airport. Hank is lucky to have you to take care of him. Unfortunately, people often get really argumentative with dementia, and when it comes to losing the ability to drive, it's easy to understand why. I was very nervous with both my MIL and my dad before they stopped driving that they would get in a serious accident and injure or kill someone. Keep making excuses - and getting the doctor involved is a great idea. I think if you call your local DMV they will be very familiar with this type of situation and will give you some advice. Good luck!

[JanM]

Hank still drives well, but he is getting to show "road rage". If some other driver does any little mistake he wants to give them the "one finger wave" or tells me what he'd do to them if he had an old vehicle. He would forget where we were going or where it was. When I try to give him the directions he would get angry if I told he too soon and then again because I didn't tell him soon enough. Or he would would not hear me no matter how I talked to him. There is a lot less stress since I drive.

[Buttons2]

Jan,it's a good thing you've taken over the driving. perhaps when Ken is in the veteran place during your surgery he will "forget" about driving altogether? I've noticed my housemate gets road rage easily these days. never used to be that way at all. he's been mentioning people in Kiwanis with Alz. lately also.

realize this is not the forum to discuss your surgery but want you to know I hope all goes well if that's what your doc feels is needed.

and Karen if you are reading this I also hope your DH finds answer's soon & your back is not worse.

[Ging]

Wow,just read all the ALS. Stories and I can relate so much, the anger,the constant speed up and brake hitting! Is it normal to be (sort of normal ) at times, then days that logic and reason get you no where? I worry about , handling of the money. Yikes ! GING

[tic chick]

welcome ging !

i'm glad you decided to join us here.

that's exactly how it is in the beginning stages of alzheimer's. there are days when the person is more or less functioning as they did pre-alz., but you still notice some little things that aren't right.

then there are days when reason and logic get you nowhere, because the person with alzheimer's starts to lose the ability to think logically. it doesn't help when they forget words or forget what they wanted to say or just ask a question out of the blue when you weren't even talking about it.

if you are worried about hubby handling money, you have to learn how or start doing it yourself. pay the bills maybe a few days before your hubby would and then just say, "oh, i decided to give you a break and pay the bill's this time". then gradually take over.

ging, now is the time, if you haven't done so yet, to perhaps talk to an elder care attorney so that you can protect as many assets as you have from the high cost of caring for a person with alzheimer's. you should have the lawyer draw up papers giving you power of attorney over your husband's medical care and over the finance's. that way, you can make decisions without arguing with your husband and trying to use that logic which he won't be able to follow.

i don't know if your hubby knows he has alzheimer's. if he does, then it might be easier to go to a lawyer and tell hubby you just need to be able to do things for him if he is having a bad day. it's a devastating diagnosis and being prepared and having the ability to make decisions is going to let you concentrate more on being with your husband and supporting him, rather than arguing about his medical care and finances.

my mom already had moderate alzheimer's when i asked her to sign those papers giving me power of medical attorney over her health care and my brother power of attorney over her finances. i just told her i wanted to have the power to take care of her if something happened with her heart (she has heart probs, too) and she would need surgery and if they wanted to do something during surgery while she was under anesthesia, that i could make the best decision for her.

it does seem daunting....

i wish you the greatest hope for stength in dealing with your husband's journey.

yes, we all have many of the same probs in common and loved ones in various stages of the disease, so you know what might happen.

thank you for caring and sharing,
jeannie

[Ging]

Thanks Jeannie , I will get my sons involved in this because hubby just gets arguementive With me. I am recovering from my aneurysm surgery and having to deal with this so my plate is very full, it is nice I can come to this forum and ask what might be or not be something that is a signalto see his doctor! :) thanks, GING

[Jo6]

Welcome Ging

Well you sure do have a plate full. I hope your own health improves. Jeannie has some good info. We all have had to go thru this and it is very hard onthe heart strings.

1I had to deal with this with my own Mom and now I'm trying to help my hubby get thru this with his Mom. His Mom passed away in May of this year and I had hoped it would get better, but so many things keep popping up it's pitiful!!

Siblings are a pain to deal with right now. Hubby is in charge of all of it and they of course think he is cheating them out of heaven knows what.

The sooner the part Jeannie is talking about the better off things will be for you.
It's so hard for the patient to understand just the smalest things. MIL would ask me if she had Alzheimer's and I would answer her truthfully. then she would ask one of her children and they would tell her no.

there are times to tell the truth, but as time goes on sometimes it's best to tell little white lies. IMHO it is best for the patient if I know it will upset them. The hardest thing is deciding on when to be truthfully or maybe not be as truthfully.

So many hard things to decide on how to handle. I wish you well as you get thru thes days. Just ask or tell us if you know better ways to handle things. If we don't know we'll try to help you find answers.

I sure don't know everything. I needed a lot of help and the girls here were a great help to me.

You take care, Julia

[JanM]

Hank has resigned himself to me doing the driving. There are times I need help driving and my S-I-L helps me. When I tell Hank that N is coming with to do some of the driving, he will ask why, so I tell him that N knows the way. And because of his hearing problem it is easier that to try to get him to understand the directions from me. So far, it;s working.