I need to vent...

[Beachgirl]

Hi everyone.

As most of you know, I have an inoperable aneurysm which was discovered 4 years ago.

I live a happy and positive life, despite the limitations that this annie has imposed on me. But truly, in the big scheme of things and keeping things in perspective, there are far worse things that can happen to a person than the limitations that I live with.

I have accepted this and try to live with this thing with grace and dignity and never do the whole "victim mentality" thing. I try to find a way around things - such as I am not allowed to perform or choreograph musical theatre ( which was my life and career) but I now sing in an acappella group and I chorey for this group as well as another group, and am now consulting on musicals (so, still getting my creative side met and fulfilled, just in different ways). I can't work but am studying...etc

Anyway, I won't go on, you get the picture...

My problem is that I am single and am finding it hard to find a man who can accept and live with this time bomb in my head. I have been dating a guy whom I really liked, but he broke things off this week as he can't cope with the thought of losing me at any moment. I tried to talk to him, pointing out that none of us know when our time is up, and that all we have is this moment in time, and that we need to embrace the here and now with open arms. (We talked for 1 1/2 hours)

I can understand his fears..I won't go into detail, but he spent a great deal of his adult life in the military, working for Intelligence. His reasoning is that he has lost people that he loved in the past, he has watched people close to him die in his line of work. He told me that he could very easily fall in love with me and can't cope with losing yet someone else close to him, so needs to break things off now before his emotions get too deep for me.

I am soooooo frustrated that I can't get him to see beyond his fear and live and love here in this moment. I am 42 and it isn't easy trying to find a decent man out there, so when I at last found someone who I could actually see a future with, he has reacted in fear. He has known about my annie from the start when we first met a few months back, but the reality and enormity has only now just hit him as (I guess) he has become more invested emotionally in this relationship. We had a long chat about my annie last weekend, and he asked alot of pertinent questions, and me being me, was completely open and honest with him, pointing out the real risks of this aneurysm, but also stressing that this risk that we (my NS and I) are taking is a calculated one. I am young (relatively) and am very healthy with low stress in my life and perfect BP and low resting heart rate (all important in helping to keep my head from blowing up!! ;) ) I told him that I am just waiting for technology to catch up so that I may have this annie fixed safely.

Most guys that I have dated over the past 4 years have admired my courage, strength, honesty and positivity around all this, but now, the one guy I DO like, has run away in fear.

I'm sorry for ranting on here, and that my writing is a bit disjointed. I just have noone else to talk to who may have some idea of what I'm going through. Right now I am HATING my aneurysm. Haven't I been through enough?

Thanks for reading...

Sending out lots of love and light,

Nat xx

[Ging]

Okay honey, I hear you and completely understand your frustrations...now that being said, you know we have to be honest and that will tell the tale of who is willing to go for the here and now and have that love! Even people who don't have little monsters in their brains sometime have love snatched away without warning. This man did not learn that there are no guarantees for any of us in this life and he should have, he gambled on his life by going into service and fighting in a war,he should have learned that you should grab love and cherish it for how ever long that you can have it.He needs to search his soul, and you my sweet beautiful friend take that deep breath, there is someone that will go the journey with you, I remember that line from " steel Magnolias" " I would rather have fifteen minutes of wonderful than a life time of nothing special" or something to that affect, but Nat, you are something special and don't you ever let that leave you for one second! There is a someone who will have what it takes to love and go the distance with wonderful you! XX :)GING

[TropicalTrish]

Silly man...

Ahhhhhhhh Nat, I am so very sorry to hear this and I really really feel bad about this for you. You must feel not only devastated but of course extremely frustrated.

I want to call this man a coward but that seems too harsh, or am I being too kind to actually try and feel his side of the equation? Hmmmm.....yup ... I am being too kind.

Somehow it feels bogus to me because anyone of us can lose someone we love at any moment due to an accident or a medical catastrophe or a divorce or ....
So – what’s his point?

I am sorry he lost people close to him in his work but that’s not like unusual. We all lose people. Who hasn’t by their 40’s? I think there must be more here than he is saying.
He could lose you for other reasons too – like being a jerk!

Obviously your Ane situation has preyed on his mind and it’s bothered him but perhaps it’s also more than that – like he just doesn’t see a future anyhow, for other reasons –
and is using your Ane as an excuse, whether he will admit this or not.

You are a catch! You have been totally honest with him and as you say others you have dated or befriended see only your courage. Quite frankly I think the stats are one in 12 could have an
Ane so he could have one himself and not know it.....

I think there is more to the story than the story he gave you. Silly silly silly man to walk away from such a fun and loving and gorgeous woman. His big loss Nat!

It’s ok to feel sad but it’s not ok to think that is how you are defined, by your Ane. Get yourself surrounded by those you love and stay busy. There are many good men out there – they just
haven’t met you yet.

You are to be admired and like I said you are one heck of a catch in any country!!! Sending you nothing but good thoughts for strength to get you thru the next while. Keep smiling Nat.

Love and Big Big Hugs from me!

[Ging]

Ditto to what Trish said , she can put it into words that I could not , I just wanted to .....well you know, I am just stunned by his willing to let once in a lifetime go and walk away... head up , keep that smile !
Yes now to think on it ...jerk fits nicely !!

[Buttons2]

Not knowing either you or the guy I do have an observation: you've told several men about your inoperable annie right? is this some kind of "means" test for dating?

the guy could just be trying his best to be honest & on the other hand he could be the type of jerk not willing to commit & using this as an excuse.you said you really like this one. do you love him?

I also feel that if he loves you- you will find out before long.there are no guarantee's in life.

I realize he has hurt you. perhaps he has a deeper hurt than he's willing to talk about?

wishing you better days ahead & hold your head high,you are a survivor!

hope I have not offended you in anyway. just throwing out my observation based on reading your post.

[ncjimmy]

Nat

I would like for you to know,that i read your posts, right after you wrote it.But I was unable to reply with a clear train of thought.The only thing that kept going thru my mind was just how self centered of a jackass this guy was. I have been coming on this site for almost 4 years now and the only thoughts of you, is just how big of a sweetheart you really are.I have admired your courage and strenght of how you have dealt with your annie.In this 50 yr old mind of mine..I must admit that the only lost is his,,he will never find a better person than you.We have all lost loves one in our lives.It is never easy..but we shall not live forever.You must enjoy the time that the Good Lord has given us here on this Earth.Without a doubt someone as wonderful as you will find the right person to spend many joy filled moments with.Keep your chin up and that awesome smile on your face.You have many friends on here for you to vent too at any given time.If you feel the need to VENT let it go...Wishing you nothing but awesome days ahead.

Jimmy C

[shelscha]

Wow Jimmy, I did the same thing. Nat, I read your post earlier and have been thinking about it too. I am so sorry, you don't deserve this. You are so kind and so caring. I think that maybe he is just real scared and everyone handles that differently. Some people run instead of dealing with it because they can't deal with it. It certainly isn't fair to either of you but I don't think that makes him a bad person, especially given the heartaches he has suffered already in his life. Do you think he would consider talking with someone to help him work through his emotions? I think that there is a very good chance that they are going to come up with a treatment for you. It is absolutely amazing the advances that are made in the medical world. Keep your head up, if he is not the one you WILL find the right one.
Shelly

[trace1]

Hey Nat...

Wish there was something I could say to make it better.
I hate these damn aneurysms for what they do to our lives- and those around us.
Hopefully he will realise that you are worth being with, no matter what obstacles may be there.
Thinking of you.
trace x

[sccandice]

I am so sorry, Nat! I wish I were there to give you a hug. I absolutely HATE how these effect our lives so much. I know that there have been days that I felt like my husband was not understanding emotionally were I was and how this hurt me, but I never took the time to realize how these annies effect our loved ones too. My DH was not in a position where he could run for the hills since we have two children, but I am sure there were times he would have liked too. I am also very grateful because I know that there are not many people willing to stay for the long haul. It takes a special person to realize what they are in for and stick around. You feel like you have to be honest, because that is who you are. You are going to find that perfect mate who is willing to love you exactly the way you are. You and I have had lots of time to come to terms with these annies, but it does take time! It was so hard to wrap my thoughts around the fact that I had these annies in my head and every minute could be last but then I realized that life was really no different than before. We are the blessed ones! We are aware of what is going on and what we can possibly change to increase our chances of hanging around!!

You are a treasure! You are strong, courageous and wonderful! I don't know what I would have done without your encouragement and positive attitude. I cannot imagine that this was an easy choice for him to make and maybe he will realize that you are worth the happiness you could bring him!

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, but please know this is the safe place to vent! :) I am sending prayers and positive thoughts to you!!!

[Beachgirl]

Wow...just... wow.

Thankyou all soooooooooo much for your love, support and encouragement (and Buttons, no, I am not offended in any way by what you presented - it's good to get different perspectives on this). I truly appreciate what you have all written - it is now clearer in my own mind that it isn't asking too much of someone to love me with my aneurysm. I am not defined by it by any means, I am still me, and I deserve to love and be loved. Thankyou all of you for reminding me of this.

No, he is not a jerk in any way - believe me, if you could have heard the pain in his voice when he broke things off you would know that this was in no way an easy decision for him to make. Which makes it all the more harder for both of us. This is just a sad, sad situation. I truly hope that he can get beyond his fear and realise for himself that we don't get that many chances in life for love, and that we all need to grab any opportunity that life sends our way with open arms.

Again, thankyou for allowing me to vent and providing a safe place for me to turn. You are all so special to me and I value your opinions. We all are truly blessed as Candice said.

Shelly - yes, I did mention to him that maybe it would help if he spoke to someone about what he is feeling - I even offered him my psychiatrist or my psychologist who is an expert in PTSD and has worked with many from the forces, but it is up to him as to if and when he is ready to deal with this. I also offered for him to have a chat to my NS to help get the facts about my particular case straight in his own mind, and maybe allay some of those fears that he has. As some of you mentioned - yes, it took all of us time to come to terms with our annies, and I know for me, it would come in stages of understanding and acceptance, together with times of freaking out. Maybe that is all he needs - time.

Regardles, I have sent out loving energy to him and hope that for himself he can start to heal his own soul. Who knows, maybe this was the catalyst HE needed to start his own healing journey...

And Jimmy - your words touched me so deeply - thankyou. It was good to get a male perspective on this too - it honestly helped.

Thankyou all again for providing a safe place to come and a soft place to fall.

I'll keep you updated on any changes if there are any...

Lots of love and hugs to you all,

Nat xx