I'm breaking down and venting

[Deedeelyn]

It's been two days that I have done pretty much nothing. I can think of many things I can/should be doing but I'm just sitting around lost in thought and dispair. It's been raining and chilly out and if this is the way I feel now I dread the oh so cold winter. It's been a very lonely weekend. I've reached out to those I want to spend time with but it seems everyone is just too busy.

My meds are ok , no need to change them it's just the way life is now. I can't expect every day or weekend to be great. I would just settle for contentment right now. I have no motivation to do anything. I am truly uninspired. I find my thoughts going to back to old negative thinking. Things like how I hate myself and I'm so stupid. I have been just laying on the couch with my dog. I then think "get up and move!" so I get up and walk around the house but it's so empty and lifeless.

I had no one to talk to of these feelings so I wrote them here.

Deedee

[Mal L]

(see next post.)

[Mal L]

Just rereading your post is something positive you can do.

One other positive thing is getting up around the house and taking a few steps. Helps your circulation.

[houghchrst]

Aww Dee I am so sorry. What a lousy way to start the holiday season. I know this time of year is stressful and brings up all kinds of emotions but being depressed makes things oh so much worse. Do you have any hobbies you like to do. Do you do Christmas ornaments or anything like that. Home made gifts are what I am working on to keep from being a spaz about money and Christmas. I get sick mentally and emotionally every year at this time and this year I have decided that I am just not going to do it.

I hope you find a way to keep yourself distracted so that you don't get buried too deep.


((((((((((hugs)))))))))

[dawnmn]

Dee, I can relate to what you are going through. I've spent the last four days doing nothing. So I woke up this morning and decided to do something. I played with the dog, read for awhile, cleaned up the house and went for a walk.

Hope today brings you happiness! If it's not raining go for a walk with the dog. Just bundle up. It will do both of you good to get out for awhile. Go to a coffee shop and have a drink of something and sit and read the paper.

[tic chick]

((((deedee)))),

there is a law in physics that states:

A body in rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion, unless the body is compelled to change its state.

okay, now we have the scientific reason for your lack of motivation !

okay, what can we do to compel you to change your state? does your dog like to walk outside? if your dog has a thick coat, he/she will love the cooler weather. if not, buy him/her a sweater! put on some sweats and take a walk outside during the warmest and usually sunniest part of the day (1-3PM). or you can play fetch with your dog. if you are depressed your doggy will pick up on your feelings and feel sad for you. you don't want to give your doggy prozac, do you?

dee, you KNOW you are not stupid! sometimes we do dumb things, but that's part of being human. i walked into the men's bathroom at a big boy's i have been to at least 1000 times. i laughed myself silly for 20 minutes and so did my girlfriend. you have to learn to laugh at yourself when this kind of stuff happens. if you mean a different kind of stupid, like uneducated, you're wrong there too! you reach out for help, you write coherent, connected thoughts. you are not stupid, jeannie says so.

you hate yourself...why? God loves you. your family loves you. i think even your daughter loves you, but she can't show it and that's HER problem. yes, sometimes people are not available for us. it's not because they dislike us, it's prolly cause they have stuff to do.

allow yourself to wallow in pity for an hour and a half. then forget it. start moving. walk doggy. walk yourself. do the dishes.

what about putting post-it notes all around the house with something good about yourself written on each one? or something motivational written on some? those cheery little yellow stickers will be blinding you with their wisdom all day. how can you not believe something good you have written about yourself?

dee. i really empathize with you. you got some "stinkin thinkin" going on. it's going to be a long winter, yes. don't get yourself in this hole a month before winter starts, please? read. watch tv. walk. go to the library. get on the bus and ride from one end to the other and back and people watch (really fun)!

i hope i have made you smile and given you some ideas to think about.

we are all here for you and we ALL care for you! remember that!

(((((HUGS))))),
jeannie

[Buttons2]

Dee,hoping you are better today! if not,here's some ideas: clean the frig,clean under the sink,rearrange the cupboards/drawers in the kitchen. anything to get you moving!

I bury myself in books & watch TV.

get outside if at all possible. it does help to get moving!

we care,(((hugs))) Pati

[Deedeelyn]

Thanks everyone for your compassion and support.

Mal - Your right ,, What I truly need to do is walk up and down my stairs a few times and get my blood pumping.

Chris - yep , I do many hobbies, right now I have so many I want to do I can't pick which one to work on. Thanks for the hug,,

Dawn - so sorry to hear you have been feeling down also,, but it helps to know that you can relate. I'm glad you found your way out and I hope you are continuing to stay busy.

Jeannie - I hope you know what an asset you are to BT. You made me think, laugh and cry all from your post to me. The fact you remembered my issues with my daughter meant so much to me. I miss her. And you gave me permission to feel bad even if for only an hour and a half. I've made a list of things to do , from the work that needs to get done to the people I need to write to the hobbies I can do. I'm really going to make an effort to widdle down all my responsiblities. Thank you so much my dear friend.

Pati - How did you know my kitchen needed so much attention? Your suggestions are on my list.

I'm up and feeling more productive. My emotions still need some work. Taking it one day at a time.
Dee

[Barque]

You aren't alone in the way you feel dd. I'm right there with ya. My life consists mainly of pain, sickness and loneliness too. All my family has died or we have lost touch. I rarely go out and never socialize, I just am to shaky and unstable with the way my body is acting.

I also have a pet, my only company, it's a little Bearded Dragon, my other one died a couple weeks ago which bummed me out real good.

I have nothing to look forward to, hardly anyone to talk to and I am broke 99% of the time.

I need a bp cuff to keep here and I need a pair of shoes and a winter coat which I have no way of getting any of it. I can't work, my car is a piece of C rap, I need newer one hopefully before the seats fall through the rusted out floor. Everyone out there takes advantage of me and I have been cheated and robbed so many times it's hideous. The world is a very scary place especially for us older folks. But I don't really want a relationship with anyone because I don't think I can hold up my end.

What else can I say. Things just s*ck in every area of my life.

[tigerchef1969]

I can relate in alot of ways with all of you! especialy this time of year! I am divorced, but I am engaged. We were supposed to get married in Oct, but then my mother was diagnosed with stage four uterine cancer and it also metesized into her hip! She has just completed her 5th chemo cycle today and has two more to go!

It's so hard to see my mother who I love and care for so deeply go through this and on top of that

Thanksgiving night I went back to Columbus to spend a couple of days with my fiance and that night I cried for at least 30 minutes! scared if this was the last Thanksgiving we would have with her?

I do not see my daughter as much as I would like too, because of my Epilepsy and being unable to drive, but I do have my Epilepsy surgery scheduled for Jan 25th!

I am just going to do my best this holiday season, to enjoy my family, friends and do a lot of praying and give thanks for all that I have been blessed with in my life!

My Grammar and spelling is horrid because of my Brain Injury, but I find great peace in writing my thoughts and re reading them! I also still tend to throw the pity party for me still

but once I recognize I'm doing this the light bulb kind of turns back on! I always say theres always someone outthere who has it worse than I do! If you are that person above!

Remember if you only see one set of footprints behind you! God is carrying you through your troubles! Hope this help's at least someone? Regards Jeff

[houghchrst]

Dee I am so glad you are working your way out of your funk. You've all come up with great ideas.

But I don't really want a relationship with anyone because I don't think I can hold up my end.

Barque you are not alone. This is what keeps me from making friends in the 'outside world'. Sometimes I am too tired to maintain a relationship with myself lolol let alone try to be a good friend to anyone else. I am lucky to have found my bf anyone else most likely would have been gone by now lol.

Jeff I know how hard watching family suffer through illness. I lost my mother in a miserable way last year.

It is terribly exhausting battling through each day trying not to let problems with family, health, home and world constantly beat you about the head and shoulders. I's with ya'll there .

[Deedeelyn]

Barque - I just got home from the most terrifying drive in a car. The weather is bad and we have about 5 inches of snow. My son was driving and I was scared to death. It's been a while since I have been out in those kind of conditions. But the real fear was being out of my house . I get so used to being here and being here alone that when I'm in situations I have no control over my anxiety peaks.
I hope you get those items you so deparately need.

I can't even think of having some one in my life. I have too many hurdles to climb first.

Jeff - I will be praying for you and Pray that your surgery Jan 25th. I hope your mother is as comfortable as possible. I know that it is horrible to have to live with out your daughter. I wasn't always able to raise my kids . That is the biggest heartbreak of all.

Chris - Please don't think of me as an outside friend. We share enough of our inside feeling together doesn't that make me an inside friend?

Deedee

[Barque]

I know. I think about how men are. I can just hear the constant b*tching because my hair is falling out and everywhere. Like I have control over it, it's the medications doing it. Then I'd have to feel guilty about it, like it doesn't upset me enough. I don't know when it's going to stop.

And the complaints about the bland foods I can only eat because of my gastritis. And this darn blood pressure dropping when I least expect it and I have to lay down all of a sudden to equalize. A man would have issues with that too.

The fact I can only clean when I feel up to it, that'd be another "Guilt" Trip.

No, I am better off alone with my little Dragon. He never complains.

[tigerchef1969]

Not all of us are Jerks! But I certaintly understand your feelings! I was divorced for ten years, never went out, never wanted anyone to know about me! I found a beautiful woman who know's my past and fell in love with me! nothing else, no money, pretty poor health, and we have been together for a year now! If you dont want a relationship that is fine, but once I let my guard down again and learned to trust again, it only changed my life for the better once again! Don't feel guilty for something you have no control over!

[Buttons2]

Dee,keep posting,it does help you know you are not alone in how you feel.

Barque,sorry about your loss of one of your lizards.

Tiger,is that your doggie? guessing a golden retriever?

one day a dear friend & I were talking about relationship's,I made the comment I have nothing to offer any man. that about sums it up in my case.