Need to become able to deal with a few issues each day

[jimdickie]

I just restarted posting in the CP Forum and spent a lot of time in my life dealing with that, but in reality my depression has had as much impact on my life as pain and drug addiction has.

I remember periods of feeling "blue" when I was young and when the pain arrived so did my substance abuse and was hand in hand with my depression. They are so intertwined that one could spend their life trying to untangle them, at least I could. I live by myself (my choice) so I have an abundance of solitude.

The reason I'm postingg here is that my pain is quite well controlled with my current meds. Recently I began thinking "Hey, your pain isn't all that bad now, why aren't I doing cartwheels ?

I spent years trying to find a magic pill (prayed for 8 hours for relief when they tried me on Lithium !), and I have the kind of depression (endogenous I believe) that is a true brain chemical imbalance. I've seen peoples' affect brighten up like a X-Mas tree after 4-6 weeks on some med but it never happened with me. My Effexor helps me, but I've come to the basic realization that dealing with depression is a daily struggle. I need certain things in my life consistently (routines, etc.) and I need the wisdom that sometimes you just have to get "plain dog mad" and fight out of it for lack of better words. Simple things, but it took me 30 years of major depression to figure it out.

On the positive side, better late then never, hey ?

Thanks for letting me vent..

[tic chick]

hey jim and welcome to bt!

i'm pretty sure i read a post of your's in the essential tremor forum. my separated from husband has had that prob all of his adult life. yeah, sometimes he got kidded about it, but he handled that. one of my children inherited it. she had a minor tremor at about 7y/o. i took her to the pediatrician and when he was looking at it and examining her hand, it was more pronounced. then he talked to me and kind of looked at her out of the corner of his eye and said she wasn't even doing it when it wasn't the primary focus. she went on to be a painter and it doesn't bother her much except when people watch her paint. people will ask her about it if they're watching her paint and she says, "then don't watch me paint, cause it get's worse." but, she also takes it in stride.

i have heard of inderal being used for that and also, i think, for performance anxiety, which kind of makes sense. no harm in asking your doc to see what he thinks, if it really bother's you. sometimes stuff like that bother's us more than other's...i know causee i have tourette syndrome. i tic less if i tell people i have it though, cause then i'm not under the stress of having to try and hide my tics. stress causes me to tic more, so less stress, less tics.

i get seasonal affective disorder (sad) every winter from november to the end of february. i used to take paxil, but weaning off was worse than the depression. i do believe some people have misbehaving brain chemicals that cause these disorder's...me being one with tourette syndrome. what i also have had is anxiety, starting around age 9 and getting worse at age 19. panic attacks were a 3 times a week event for me before i was put on the drug klonopin, originally to try and make my tics less, but it worked perfectly for my panic atttacks. finally, at age 31, i was free from that crippling disorder.

so i think i'm kind of on the opposite brain chemical spectrum from you . i do find my anxiety less taking the klonopin and that is a blessing, but i also have ocd along with my tourette that cause's me a lot of grief and inability to do some things. i empathize with yoour depression and your lifelong struggle. stuff always happens in life that might make you more anxious or more depressed, i think depending which way you lean more, but still both can happen at the same time.

i did find relief in keeping busy...with a lot of stuff. volunteering, gardening, pulling up old floors, painting...etc. i also do things that give me pleasure, so i can feed my soul and bank that to buffer me from the times that i feel bad. it doesn't quite solve everything, but it makes life happier.

i appreciate chronic depression being a lifelong struggle and i'm glad you found things to help you get some relief from that. yes, self-knowledge and empowerment can come at any age and is always helpful!

see if you'd like to join us in the emotional support forum. there are some men that post there. maybe daily support or talking about the little things will help them become smaller things...that's always our goal, plus having some fun .

i'm happy you found bt and hope you find this community as supporting and helpful as i have the last 12 years.

thank you for sharing, jeannie

[jimdickie]

I can tell you have honestly been there

Jeannie,

Thanks of your words of support and validating some of my realizations (sticking to schedule, etc.). I feel wen have lots of happiness and joy left in our individual lifetimes !!

Jim

[Beader]

Hi Jim,

I also have major depression & anxiety along with CP. OK, read my signature below for further explanation. My depression also started in my teens. I read your post but am a little unclear about whether your addiction started with the depression or whatever caused your pain issues. I understand that lots of folks self-medicate with alcohol and street drugs to escape both physical and emotional pain. Congratulations on getting your addcition and pain levels under control.

I happen to be in the unlucky 20% who have their antidepressants stop working after a few years and then have to find a new one. In the late 70s I had my psych tell me that if the MAOI worked, that would indicate a brain chemical imbalance & that I would have totake it for life, just like a diabetic with insulin. It worked really well, but had many side effects along with food and drug restrictions. I had a few serious heart reactions to eating the wrong food which I didn't know was on the list. Around the same time, I was seeing a therapist who didn't like drugs and was convincing me to go off, so by the time I had the last palpitations attack, I was down to the minimum dose of one pill every other day, so I stopped.

Honestly, I don't know what kind of depression I really have since it seems like the names change all the time. I just know this last round was deep and dark and "been down so long it feels like up to me". You know, it seems like people who have never experienced depression don't really get it. I'm tired of helpful friends and neighbors telling me I can fix myself if I just tried harder -- that's just frustrating as hell. And sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day because... Personally, I find seeing a therapist helps, if I can find one that I feel in synch with. I've also gone thru periods where attending group has been good for me, but part of that may be due to the socializing after group too. Starting any group is also a scary thing, so I have to kick myself to jump start one of those.

Enough for today, hope you come back to share and to vent.