MAJOR Depression
I have MAJOR Depression, and I was DX'd in my early twenties. I'm in that "lucky" 20% for whom the antidepressants all stop working after a few years, and I have to find a different one. Yes, stress makes things worse and anxiety adds to the fun.
This past week I couldn't stop crying, day after day, not always attached to any conscious thought but there's plenty of Real Life crap going on in my life these days. Those days I can't really accomplish anything. If I fixate on something that is not current like researching my Family Tree, then I can do that b/c it distracts the parts of my brain not dealing well with life. So then that's all I want to do, not go outside, not call people, not walk down the driveway to get the mail, not play in the garden, certainly not deal with the enormous overwhelmng financial mess that I'm in. And with all my current eye problems & the docs putting in tear duct plugs, when I cry it's like Niagara Falls, tears overflowing down my face like nothing I've experienced before. That kinda scares me & makes me feel worse.
My newish therapist follows the positive reinforcement school of cognitive therapy, but she's been having conferences on my day, so that means seeing her every two weeks. I'm supposed to leave messages now & then on how I'm holding up. The last time I spoke w/ her, she asked me if I needed "a more structured environment". I asked her what that meant. It basically was code for "do you need to go to the hospital for a while?" I've never been in-patient, so how the hell would I know? I told her "no", since the thought of being out of my own space w/ a bunch of other psych patients and a set routine was not my idea of an improvement.
If I don't start interacting w/ some live people, I'm gonna lose it. Even live "phone" people. I feel so very isolated. The Aspie ex-BF is now in NYC almost all the time with his proudly announced "My New Girlfriend". Well, screw him or don't. My HS reunion friend emailed me that she was sooo busy that we couldn't possibly meet for dinner or lunch until later in the frikkin' summer. Right, that sounds great. My neighborhood friend is still Florida for another 2 months.
I'm in the state of mind that, as my longtime cranky friend would say, "Life sucks and then you die".
This past week I couldn't stop crying, day after day, not always attached to any conscious thought but there's plenty of Real Life crap going on in my life these days. Those days I can't really accomplish anything. If I fixate on something that is not current like researching my Family Tree, then I can do that b/c it distracts the parts of my brain not dealing well with life. So then that's all I want to do, not go outside, not call people, not walk down the driveway to get the mail, not play in the garden, certainly not deal with the enormous overwhelmng financial mess that I'm in. And with all my current eye problems & the docs putting in tear duct plugs, when I cry it's like Niagara Falls, tears overflowing down my face like nothing I've experienced before. That kinda scares me & makes me feel worse.
My newish therapist follows the positive reinforcement school of cognitive therapy, but she's been having conferences on my day, so that means seeing her every two weeks. I'm supposed to leave messages now & then on how I'm holding up. The last time I spoke w/ her, she asked me if I needed "a more structured environment". I asked her what that meant. It basically was code for "do you need to go to the hospital for a while?" I've never been in-patient, so how the hell would I know? I told her "no", since the thought of being out of my own space w/ a bunch of other psych patients and a set routine was not my idea of an improvement.
If I don't start interacting w/ some live people, I'm gonna lose it. Even live "phone" people. I feel so very isolated. The Aspie ex-BF is now in NYC almost all the time with his proudly announced "My New Girlfriend". Well, screw him or don't. My HS reunion friend emailed me that she was sooo busy that we couldn't possibly meet for dinner or lunch until later in the frikkin' summer. Right, that sounds great. My neighborhood friend is still Florida for another 2 months.
I'm in the state of mind that, as my longtime cranky friend would say, "Life sucks and then you die".
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