Dealing with social situations??

[agate]

It's the time of year when family can be an issue. What occasions to attend, what gifts to give, whom to invite, etc. If you happen to be all alone and don't face these big questions, please don't feel slighted. Feel lucky. This kind of thing can cause major stress.

In another thread the question came up about how to turn down an invitation.

Does "Sorry I just can't make it"--said in a genuinely sorry tone, for of course you're really sorry 99% of the time--seem like a good reply?

What if the person who invited you asks why?

I've never known anyone to do that though I've often wondered what I would say if anyone said that.

Would anyone really ask? Wouldn't it take more nerve than most people have?

I have had this happen though--many times. There's an implied "Why?" in the expression on a person's face when you give your "Sorry I can't make it" speech. They look surprised, questioning.

Some time ago I realized that at that point my natural tendency is to natter on by offering a reason. That's where it was my problem and not the other person's, I realized.

Why should I feel obliged to give a reason? If a person says she/he can't make it to an event/occasion/gathering, that should be enough. The person might have other obligations, might not be feeling well. Whatever that person's reasons, they are his/her own, and I as the inviter have no right to know what they are. Not really. It does help to smooth over the situation if you offer a good reason but the inviter isn't entitled to it.

That's how it seems to me anyway. If your reason is only "MS keeps me from doing a lot of things I'd like to do," it starts to sound self-pitying. You can't really go into a list of the problems MS is causing you either. All you can say is something like "I'm afraid I just not up to going out much."

So now, when I get the awkward silence and the questioning face, I don't feel I have to say anything except maybe "I'm so very sorry--but thank you so much for asking me."

How do others feel about this?

[Lazarus]

I'm so very sorry--but thank you so much for asking me."

Perfect. And it ends the time spent worrying about what to say,!

[Sunshine]

Its tough.jove lost most of my friends. Mostly because visits are painful.

[agate]

I received a greeting from someone who heads an MS Society support group, wishing everyone a wonderful holiday with friends or family, and going on to say that if you don't have someone to share with, e-mail a friend and invite yourself--then adding "Yes, I mean that."

What is your opinion of this suggestion?

[Sunshine]

I received a greeting from someone who heads an MS Society support group, wishing everyone a wonderful holiday with friends or family, and going on to say that if you don't have someone to share with, e-mail a friend and invite yourself--then adding "Yes, I mean that."

What is your opinion of this suggestion?

Depends on the friend. With some, sure, email them say you will be alone on TGIVING, might you stop by for dessert or whenever is convenient to share the holiday with them?

It boils down to letting people know you are alone and lonely and not by choice. It doesnt occur to people to invite others...

[Virginia]

What Sunshine said is a good suggestion. However, I have never been a person to invite myself in when it is a family occasion. This was even before I got sick. However, usually back then I had someplace already planned to go. I usually cooked on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had friends who would come the next day and have leftovers with us. The four of us always loved leftovers and enjoyed sharing them.

[agate]

Many thanks for the thoughtful replies.

I don't think I could ever invite myself or let people know (unless they specifically ask) that I'm alone. I don't like to think that I'm included because someone felt sorry for me and therefore felt obliged to include me.

When I got that e-mail (mentioned in post #4, my first reaction was that she must have been joking.

Food isn't cheap, and cooking for a group of people isn't easy. I just don't see putting someone on the spot by inviting myself.

[Sunshine]

Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

This might apply in some ways to our discussion, our subtitled might be:

What being ill taught me about accepting help (love).

[Lazarus]

Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

This might apply in some ways to our discussion, our subtitled might be:

What being ill taught me about accepting help (love).

Wonderful essay.thank you very much.

[Virginia]

Thanks Sunshine.

[agate]

Thanks for posting this article, Linda.

How sad that the author's parents were so unaccepting and cruel. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives as they say. At least she had some helpful friends and was willing to accept help from them--people who were there for her by choice.

[agate]

This might be the best place for this question as it's a "social situation":

For years I've been aware that many people send holiday cards--and even gifts?--to their doctors and other medical providers. I've done that only if I received one from any of them, and that happened only a couple of times, years ago, with dentists.

This year I actually sent one to the audiologist. I don't want to fall through the cracks so far as that place is concerned. I'd like her to remember me next time I'm in there. In the past I've had the feeling she's not sure which patient I am.

Do you think it's a good idea to send holiday cards to medical providers? Is it one of those situations where it won't hurt to send a card, and so why not?

Well, one reason I can think of is that the staff is clearly overburdened at many places, and part of the problem is too much paperwork to handle. A card coming in is one more thing they have to deal with.

And as for giving gifts, that starts looking a little bit like a plea for special treatment. How fair is it to those patients who can't afford to give their doctors a gift?

On the other hand, if a doctor has been particularly helpful and you've had a difficult problem, why not show your appreciation?

I'm of two minds about this issue and would welcome any opinions.

.

[Sunshine]

I have been known in the past to bring a box of local oranges for “Dr. so and so and her staff” They very much appreciate it.

[Virginia]

Something like the oranges for the Dr and staff sounds good, but other than a fruit basket or something similar doesn’t seem too appropriate. A Christmas card addressed to the Dr & Staff is fine.

I remember only once that I sent a Christmas card to a Dr and wrote “personal “ on the envelope. That was a Neurologist I had seen a few times who had, after I told him my PCP had diagnosed me with Perherial Neuropathy, agreed. He was a nice young man who knew nothing about MS. I wrote a nice note telling him what I had and who diagnosed me and thanked him for seeing me and wished him and his family a good Holiday.

[stillstANNding]

We have sent trays of cookies from an Italian bakery to my mom’s nursing unit after she was discharged. Of course we did not do it this time.

I have been the recipient of gift cards and gifts from
Patients and families. The card itself stayed with that patient’s chart as part of the record.

Agate, I think it is perfectly fine to send a card.
ANN