Dealing with social situations??

[nuthatch]

I feel the gifting at Christmas time is overdone. One of my brothers is a FedX driver and he is inundated with gifts and boxes of chocolates from customers over the holidays. My neighbor is a surgeon. Again, inundated with gifts, mostly of food items, which end up being spread out to others (neighbors, friends and relatives). Gifts of appreciation can be given any time of the year and an unexpected gift of appreciation out of the blue is well remembered IMHO.

[Virginia]

Speaking of social situations - I had a call a short time ago from my SIL who lives in South Carolina. She is married to my older brother. They are coming to North Carolina tomorrow and will be about an hour and a half away. Next Saturday they are having a family reunion in the town they will be in. I had sent a text to my brother telling him how sorry I was that I could not attend and he responded saying he was also sorry but that he understood.

My SIL (who has never called me) said she was calling to implore and beg me to attend the reunion. She said there would be 35 to 40 people there and that I was the only one missing. She kept telling me that my brother would be 85 in February and that this would likely be the last opportunity to see him. I tried to explain that I could not be in a situation where I was riding for 3 hours and socializing for 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours. I told her that I suffered from something called sensory overload and that it would not do anyone in this family any good for me to take another downturn at this time. Well....she kept on and on until it really got on my nerves so bad. I already feel bad enough knowing that everyone is going to be there but me. I don't need her telling me how I should make this extra effort to do this. Only I know what this extra effort could possibly cost me.

I tried to explain that I live alone and there is no one who is going to come in and help me if I do things that I know I shouldn't. I tried hard to make her understand that she just didn't realize what she was asking of me. I am much more nervous and skittish around that many people now. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now.

She says my brother is sick, that he has a cold and a chest cough and that he had been laying on the couch all day with her giving him Mucinex to try and get him well so they can come tomorrow. If they can go through all that then I should be able to make it. Now, of course, I am worried about him, plus their trying to drive that far tomorrow. Her daughter offered to go and get them, but they said no they wanted to do it on their own. I feel sure that one or more of his kids has also offered. They are coming to North Carolina to be with both families for Christmas. Originally my brother wanted to just stay at home in South Carolina but she did not. I am concerned about them driving here and then when they go back.

[agate]

Your SIL probably means well but she put you in a difficult position by not taking No for an answer.

The fact is that most people don't understand what MS does to us. I for one can't ever know when my vision is going to go weird on me or when my bladder or bowels will act up, creating a very sudden need to get to a bathroom--which isn't always easy to do in social situations.

When someone seems to want more of an explanation than "I'm sorry but I just can't make it," I don't offer any more details. I'll just repeat how sorry I am--and sound even sorrier each time.

It's my way of letting them know that I'm the best judge of what I can and can't do, and I'm not about to argue the point with them.

If you can think of a way to be "present" by e-mail or PM or Facebook, you might offer to do that so that they will all know you wanted to be present in person but couldn't, and so you're doing what you can. Or maybe send a gift of food or flowers?

[Earth Mother 2 Angels]

((((((Virginia)))))) ~

It's unfortunate that your SIL can't understand how physically strenuous and stressful it would be for you to travel and attend this reunion. It sounds like she is orchestrating all of this insisting that they go, instead of staying home, which your brother prefers. Please don't allow her to make you feel bad. You know that it is only because of the strain on you that you aren't going. Were it not for that, you would likely go.

How about FaceTime? Would that be a possibility?

Also, has your SIL considered that this might be too much for your brother, who has a cold and cough? He's 85, and pneumonia seems to gravitate more toward older and frail people. And what if she catches his cold? Who will drive then? They can't both be on cold/cough medicine and drive. Also, out of consideration for the rest of the family, who probably don't want to be infected with your brother's cold, it might be better if they did stay home.

There is another reason why you shouldn't go to this gathering. You are vulnerable and don't need to catch a respiratory infection. If you're in a car with him for 3 hours, there's a very good chance you'd get his cold.

While I don't have MS, I do understand the situation of saying, "We can't be there," countless times through the years, because of Jon's or Michael's health issues, and now Jim's health issues. People understand, but they don't make an effort to include us, when we aren't there. Like a speaker phone call or FaceTime. Except for John ... he texts us photos during their gatherings, vacations, baseball games.

Of course, we feel sad that we can't participate, but we can't change the reasons why that is so.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Please don't let the stress get to you. You must do what is best for you.

Love & Light,



Rose

[Virginia]

I can't think of a good way to Facetime or do anything like that. With 35 up to 40 people there it will be a mad house (except that it is being held in a restaurant). People will be talking to one another and some will have not seen each other in a long time. I doubt that you could get everyone to be quiet, except to say grace before eating. I don't want to get into another debate about how or what time or if I should do that with anyone else.

[agate]

Maybe just send an e-mail to let them know they're in your thoughts and you are sorry not to be among them. They probably use cellphones and will get your e-mail on the cellphone, I think?

You wouldn't need to reply to any of them, and as you say, they'll probably be too busy to be replying to your e-mail, but I understand not wanting to get into any more discussions like the one with your SIL. And this is the only time she's ever called you? Maybe she's just a very socially tone-deaf person who doesn't know when to stop urging someone.

[Virginia]

After calling me SIL in South Carolina sent a text to one of the SIL's here and told her that they had decided to wait until Tuesday to come to North Carolina to her daughter's house. She said it was to give my brother an extra day to get better.

One of my brothers here told me to ignore her that she is a nut case anyway. As far as I can remember it really is the first time she has called me. This is his second marriage. His first wife died and she was a sweetheart. He seems to get along with this one alright most of the time, so I am just glad he is not alone.

[agate]

One of my brothers here told me to ignore her that she is a nut case anyway.

Sounds like good advice! It does seem odd that she'd call you and keep at you like that after many years of never calling at all.