A "Real Confession" -- from an Old Timer...

[HellBoundTroll]

OK, so I came here feeling a bit sorry for myself -- I have good reason so --- there....

But after posting got to thinking about when I posted last....so I "googled" myself and found the following thread....it may not be the last time I posted, but it made me smile and even put away the wine bottle...so not so bad, huh....

In interest of "full disclosure," I left the rest of my original post below as I wrote it an hour or so ago....:

Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

And, below is what I have written today, on St. Paddy's 2013...

So, have not been here for a bazillion years, from the days of Sharon, Big Kahuna, Frost, Lee, deb from Eugene, etc. Have not taken the time to look here much in several years -- partly due to forum problems...

Anyway, I am nearly 20 years out from spinal crap and am getting a bit frustrated.

I've had slow progressive neuropathy (it's late at night here, I probably spelled it wrong). My feet hurt like HELL nearly every day. It is like walking on stones or rocks. I've tried a few of the recommended drugs and all they do is make me ... well ... fun at a party, I suppose, but for everyday life...

So, I decided Old Granddad, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker were good friends (actually, like my deceased alcoholic wife, I really prefer wine). Well, the alcohol does not like to share me -- so to discourage "sexual relationships," the booze decided to make things a bit "limp." (if I stop drinking for a week or two, the problem disappears).

I also have shakes, etc from the drink. I have tried to stop the drinking, but honestly, the pain from the nerve stuff is big time. The booze does not stop it, but makes me fret about it less.

Nothing I have tried has helped the nerve problems. I have seen a couple of the top spinal doctors in the country. I guess the only thing I can say is that I have told them "I can live with the pain if I have to." They have taken me at my word. Hey, I grew up with John Wayne. Pain...screw it.

But, as most of you know, really living with pain is a drag. I am sick of the alcohol, tired of the pain. Not sure where to turn. Not sure why I am posting, to be honest. Guess, just to rant?

I try to be bright. I CAN walk. I CAN lift 100 pounds. I CAN get it up (if I stop drinking). I just CAN'T stop the pain. If I knew there was an end to it -- even six months to a year or so out, I would at least have something to grab. But, I am 52. Can't see going through this for many more years.

Any of you have any great suggestions? I've tried my priestly brother (yes, he is a "father"), but am still falling short....and....no....am not comtemplating any final solution....that would only hurt severly those I care about.....

I have tried the rehab route> I understand the "rote." The problem is the pain is still there no matter what. It is fairly severe. I think most people would have some severe issues putting up with it.

And, if you don't have any great thoughts, at least I spent two or three minutes typing, that made me forget about the acute pain. And, a HellBound hug to any of those still left who may remember me as a "troublemaker" from the Old Old boards.....dave.

[Mark N]

Dave, it is great to hear from you although I hate to hear that you are struggling so much from pain. After a decade of spinal surgeries and increasing my pain medication to stop the pain I still had a different type of pain that was driving me crazy and was way too much pain. I could feel the difference in the two different types of pain and my pain medication took care of one of them. At this time my dr asked if I was willing to try a new medication to see if we could get control of this other nerve pain I said yes and started taking cymbalta. To my surprise it took care of the nerve pain and now I work on keeping the other pains under control. It started out as a AD and it was found to help Fibromyalgia and other nerve issues. I don't know if it is the answer for you but it has been for me.

You clearly know the issues with using alcohol as you talk about the negative things you are dealing with while medicating yourself with it. I know when the pain is driving you crazy [I describe it as suicide pain as it feels like it would drive you to that] we turn to anything that will take the edge off. I understand how much the pain is taking your life away so I hope you have a dr that will work with you and try different meds to find one that would work. Some dr just think increasing our pain medication is the answer and it isn't for nerve pain.

One thing my wife has found that works for her is B12 and it would be worth a try. It takes big doses to make a difference but her Trimengenal pain is gone since using it and others we know have lost the pain and numbness in the feet.

You are one I remember from when I first started coming here in 1998. I miss the wild site that this place was back then. It wasn't necessarily the best comforting place but definitely a fun and information site to visit. Please come around let me know if anything has helped you as dealing with this severe pain is wearing down type of pain.

[HellBoundTroll]

Mark, nice to hear from you.

I edited my original post, but, damn this forum, not only can I not see my edits, I cannot see my original post at all...hope it is still there, that was a post worthy of Shakespeare!!

Ah, well. After my original post, I decided to "google" HellBoundTroll and spinal and got back some surprising results....including an old thread from 2008 or so....made me feel much better for a few minutes.

Yes, the old days of the 1990s were fun. And, to be honest, I think I preferred the board in those days. I had crushes on several posters: Robin, Sharon, squiggly deb...LEE for sure....of course....none of them would have given me the time of day if they had actually met me....a troll with a long pointy nose, big feet and only 2 feet tall.....

Speaking of tall....remember Tall Terri and her parrot....

Anyway, enough of such nonsense. Thanks for responding. I have tried 5000 (is it milligrams) of B12 every other day sublingual. I think Cymbalta was tried. Lyrica and all of it's evil, earlier cousins....I have a priestly brother, but I am not much for the religion stuff...but I will say, sometimes, whatever power it may be I think they just want to "mess with us!"

So, I try to keep on keeping on, but somehow, just writing here and connecting to some of that earlier "vibe" from 15 or so years ago has really helped alot....and LEE has tried to help me via private e-mail, but I have to say, I have not been the best to her. Indeed, I have been a total jerk.....(IE -- never responding to her heartfelt notes.).

I'm a guy. A guy who used to be in a very active, if I might say "heroic" career. It can be tough to deal with the issues, which I have to say, once again....I can still do pretty much anything I used to do (well, except for that one issue....), it's the pain that's the thing.

Thanks again for the reply!!!!

[houghchrst]

Have you tried Medical Marijuana? It comes in many different forms not just smokable. Candy, ice pops, butters, all kinds of stuff and studies are showing that it works well for many people. The burning in my feet was what made me start a bit over two years ago. It's worked amazingly well for some of my other issues also.

a lot of people frown on it but the Beam and all his buddies are far worse for you. Watched my mom drink away her pain and depression. She died almost three years ago from renal failure. Basically drank herself to death.

I am glad you've come back and hope you continue to and that you get some of what ya need.

[Mark N]

Dave, I talked to my wife about the B12 and she says the recommendation is to take several doses higher than that and if you can get your doctor to do the blood work they can check you levels maybe needing to give you injections and it will take that much to get results.

You often wonder what we did in this life to bring about this constant pain that is bad enough to drive us to death. Maybe it is just punishment for being guys but that can't be the answer because so many women suffer from this too [maybe they were guys in a past life and are paying for it now]. There has to be more rhyme or reason to this pain that we see as it doesn't make sense.

I think you know but I too want to caution you on Beam and his buddies as I had a brother die from alcoholism fighting his demons the wrong way. I wish there were some answer I could give you because I know from experience that your pain isn't bearable in the long run. When I was still working as a teach and a football coach and my wife had a high paying job we bought a zero gravity chair for me when I was really struggling with pain. The chairs can be expensive but there are ones that are less than $100 [mine was $1600 a decade ago and it was midline price] and my chair has done as much or more than medication in reducing my pain. If I wanted to live a 2-3 level pain life all I would need to do with my medication is stay in my chair 24hrs a day. When things get bad again I just recline in my chair until I have it back under control; a couple hours or even a couple of days.

Pain relief comes in many ways and you never know what will work for you. I hope you can try a few different things, even medical marijuana, that are better for you than Beam and buddies. Semper Fi

ps I also remember TallTerri

[Leeaelle]

Hi Dear Dave ~ Gosh, it's been awhile. Ya know what you wrote could have been me some years ago. I couldn't find any end to my pain either. I went to 3 pain clinics, I had EVERYTHING done that a pain clinic could do to a patient, including a spinal cord stimulator which didn't work, so they had to take the stupid thing out, I've had more injections that I can count, you name it I've had it. I went to 3 heads of Neurosurgery at 3 large hospitals, and no one could help me. Sure, booze made me forget the pain, but it didn't solve the problem. So I got sober. I couldn't STAND living like that any longer -- why kill myself??? I KNEW I would die from the booze.

Recently I brought my son home -- he had been in the hospital on LIFE SUPPORT because of alcoholism. His liver had completely stopped working, and he was hours from death. He was yellow, his kidneys had shut down, he couldn't breathe on his own, and he had tubes in every orifice. He was like that for weeks before he came around and even knew that I was there. The doctors STILL don't know why he's alive!!! I think I do. I think God intervened. But I brought him home, and he hasn't had a drop since because he's too scared. He knows booze will kill him now. And it will. He's been sober almost 7 months.

Dave, I don't want you to end up like this. Gregg had to be put in an extremely sedated condition so that he wouldn't go into seizures during withdrawal. He'd been drinking so much for so long, that the withdrawals could have killed him. And liver damage is very PAINFUL. So Gregg was on morphine the whole time he was in the hospital, which was about 6 weeks. After that, he went to a physical rehab hospital to learn how to walk again and to get stronger. He's 6'2" and he weighed about 100lbs.

Please Dave, get some help. If you have to, go inpatient to withdraw. If not, go to AA. They can help you, believe me. And your doctor can help you with medication for the "shakes." Be honest with him. Let him know about your drinking.

As far as the pain --- I'm on OpanaER 40mg with Lyrica 75mg plus Topamax 200mg twice a day and that works great for the burning of the nerves!! I take the Opana and the Lyrica twice a day too. I also take Cymbalta 60mg twice a day, and Norco 10/300 for breakthru (worthless), The rest of the meds work very well, and have worked the best of anything I've ever taken. My GP is the one who finally came up with this combo. But DON'T DRINK when you're on this! It's dangerous!!!

Talk to your doc about these meds and see what he says. I hope he doesn't mind suggestions. I'm worried about you Dave, and I CARE!!! Please keep me posted on how you're doing, will you? . God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[HellBoundTroll]

Hey, folks, I am back....Thanks for all the replies.

Well, decided to say the heck with it and pretty much stop the tippling (nothing new, been doing that on a regular basis for about 18 months

....I did backslide yesterday and drank a pint of ale, but compared to my usual that was a bit like a glass of water thrown into the ocean.

Now, I know enough to know that a few days is no big thing. Plenty of alcoholics do that every couple of weeks, me being one of them....

But, to bore you all, as they say, "one day at a time." I just wish I could "bottle" the days when I wake up at 5:45 a.m. and actually feel (somewhat) good after NOT drinking the day before!

That's such a peaceful, wonderful feeling (well, I have to ignore the "other" pain issues) -- I wish that feeling could still the urges that come stealing in later in the day....

Anyway, trying again....Shakes seem to be gone...they only lasted about a day ... I never have any other real withdrawl symptoms, so maybe that is a good thing.

I have considered medical weed, but it's such a hassle to be certified and not sure I want to substitute one drug for another, which is why I have somewhat just said screw the whole pharmacy idea. Although I do promise to think and consider the suggestions you have all made.

Anyway, I am going to keep trying my "new age" mumbo jumbo of trying to "live past the pain." It actually works somewhat...notice I did not say well, but....

Thanks again. I will try to check in a bit now and again. Don't feel I have much to contribute though, I pretty much stopped staying abreast of any spinal issues when my condition entered its current stagnated holding pattern.

Hope all my rambling made sense....Well, it looks like the ice has melted off outside, time to "live past," and get to work for the day.
dave

[Leeaelle]

Dave, whether or not you believe it, you DO need support. I wish you'd visit here often or talk with a member privately, i.e. Mark. It's hard to do this alone, and from what you say I doubt you're going to try the AA route. So please talk to SOMEONE. None of us can do this alone. We all need somebody to "dump" on. And you're no different than anyone else, my friend.

I wish you the very best. I'm praying you make it this time. Alcohol is a killer, and I don't want you to end up a statistic. God bless you Dave. Hugs, Lee

[HellBoundTroll]

Lee, thanks for the kind words and prayers.

Well, you know, AA, NA, etal are all good groups, but you know us trolls, we don't like to come out from under our bridges!

I may just make it this time (and, yes, I KNOW that all addicts say that, few really believe it and fewer even succeed). The thing is I have been trying this off and on for a couple, three years and for some reason it "just feels right this time."

And, yes, I know I have a few great bottles of Washington State Chard in the wine rack, as well as a bottle of "birthday cake vodka" and a few other "weapons of destruction" in the house. And, yes, I should probably not keep those within reach, but to clean them out would be admitting defeat, in that strange hazy way that a number of us cling to and believe.

So, I will post here for a bit (I think). I will try to make it every few days for awhile, if you folks can put up with me. Maybe even something worthwhile (that would be a change). At the moment, the craving is a dull rumble. But, I think I can keep it from being an overwhelming roar....

Think I'll try reading some Hunter Thompson before bed. That's a good sober example...Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

[Mark N]

Dave, it was good to stop in and read the good news from you as I know it is a big step. Yes pain can be controlled by thought but only to a point. I never took pain medication until after my thoracic fusion no matter what injury I had or pain I had but I finally reached the point if didn't work good enough. It will be nice to have you coming around again and I hope more people start coming around. Like you I am in a stagnant point in my spinal issues [at least I hope] so I don't add much to the post but I do answer other people's post.

[HellBoundTroll]

Hola, again, I posted a message on Friday night. Somewhat long and whiney one again.*doink

I included a weblink....I think that was a bad idea...since after I hit the submit button a box popped up and said the post might be posted after it was reviewed by a moderator.....Some 12 hours later and it still is not on the board.

It wasn't a "bad" link, just to a page on Wikipedia that expanded on the subject I was writing about. Anyway, I hope that was why the post was shoved into limbo....Maybe I am on a "blacklist" for making fun of Big Kahuna's surfing ability oh so many years ago.

[Mark N]

Dave, it is hard to tell what delayed your post or has kept it off the board. I hope you had a good day today just as I did for a change. I even got outside for a bit with the temps back up into the 50s again. I have to say that for most spinies there isn't much going on in our lives because of the pain and limitations. If the "limbo" is due to making fun of surfing ability I would stay away from that topic around here:).

[HellBoundTroll]

Ah, Mark, my post finally did show up in the last couple of hours or so. It does sort of mess with the flow, though, you know. It is back three or five posts ago. So, basically a lost post.

I don't see the logic in even posting it after all that time. The board should just say no "links." Easy enough. Well, now I know better.

If someone read through before the post showed up, they would not go back, would not see the post, etc. And, if I post expecting that someone had read that earlier....

Well, just one of those things that I think helped push people away from these boards. The John Lester days were wild, but what we wrote was what you saw....

So, I do wish I was up on the latest and greatest in spinal issues. But, I am not motivated enough anymore.

I should go see the great spinal doctor Clement Jones in San Francisco in May....I am a year overdue, but I am sure there is not anything more that can be done at this time and while I do LOVE San Francisco and love spending time there, the whole $$$ thing is getting a bit serious nowadays.

But, the girls in San Francisco DO wear flowers in their hair...Of course, if I quit hanging out with Johnnie, Bud and Jose Cuervo, I might be able to afford a jaunt...

dave

[Moderator #7]

Dear HellBoundTroll,

Welcome back to the BT communities!

No blacklist.

Even though you were a member of this community before, when you re-registered, you went back to being a new member. The rules for new members posting are:

Question: Why can't I post links or pictures?
Question: Why can't I have a signature, avatar, or profile picture?
Question: What's wrong with my account?

Answer: You are in the "registered users" user group. This group is very limited in what it can do. This will annoy spammers to no end Just keep posting once you have been registered for 30 days and have made 11 posts your account will be "unlocked".


I wrote you a private message explaining this. You can see your private messages if you click on "Notifications" next to your name in the uppermost right corner of the screen. There will be a number next to that indicating how many private messages you have.

It takes a while for your post to show up so that it can be seen by an administrator or moderator and approved if it has a legitimate link in it. You have 6 posts already. On your 11th post, you will be able to see your whole post with links without an administrator or moderator approving it.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

[Mark N]

Mod 7 thanks for explaining things to HellBound Troll as the rules are different now. Can you advertise or do something else to bring in more members?