I'm breaking down and venting

[Barque]

I'll never trust again. I have been betrayed by every person in my life that I should have been able to and I mean EVERYONE. I only trust in animals now. They have NEVER betrayed me, not even once.

[Deedeelyn]

Thank you Barque for at least trusting us to share your feelings with. I think back and I too feel/felt like everyone I have known in my life has betrayed me. I don't go into some things online because I just can't share with people the things that has happened to me. I try not to get bitter about it and I search everyday for forgivness. I know the first person I have to learn to forgive is myself because I put myself in the situations I did. I have been betrayed by family , friends and an exhusband too. I've been betrayed by strangers big time. I probably should feel more mad then anything but I don't. I just hurt over it and I take another step forward.

I believe, I believe there is someone out there I am compatible with. I just can't find him in these walls that surround me.

Had a very productive day today, that is all I can ask for , I'm grateful for that.

Dee

[Barque]

I feel like the exception to every rule there is. Its always been, no, not her, there is someone better, but she blah, blah, blah, no, it wouldn't work out.

No matter what I have ever done or tried to do there has always been SOMEONE that made it a point to stop me, or make me look bad, or out and out LIE about me to others. Funny thing is they never did it so I could hear it, always behind my back leaving me out in the cold or in the dark and clueless as to what was going on.

I can recall 3 instances when I had a dream or a doable plan that might have changed the direction of my life. In each case there was a person close to me that squashed it. I mean REALLY made an all out effort to stop me. I know now they were what you call chauvanistic and selfish. I think about these things now and my stomach burns. It has really just ruined my health and left me with ZERO self esteem and ZERO confidence. They went on their merry way, prospering and I just sank like a stone. I have never recovered from these things eventhough its been years and years since they happened.

[Buttons2]

trust isn't even in my mind these days. bitter & angry are. betrayal also. we can only rely on ourselves. Dee,when you mentioned feeling stupid it hit a chord with me,I'm the Queen of stupid it seems! and oh so glad you are keeping busy now! good for you.

[houghchrst]

You guys all have wonderful things to offer others. Look how you come here so often to be supportive.

There is someone for everyone I believe it is just a matter of bumping in to the right person.

You have love, loyalty, compassion, strength, honesty, and so many more things. Seems our disabilities tend to develop those traits because through our suffering we have come together and strengthened them. You prove you have those abilities in the way that you come here every day and interact with others.

I think the big difference in coming here is that when things get hard to deal with, when we get angry or irritated or weepy and depressed we can come, vent and leave. We come back when we can, when we want, we don't have to deal with anyone else's issues unless we want to. We don't have to constantly keep up a wall, or walk on eggshells or open ourselves up unless we are ready and want to and no one will make demands on us.

Dawn I consider you guys above my friends. Most of you know more about me than even the princess does and we have known each other for almost 20 years. We get together and have our ***** fest about our men our aches and pains but both of us are sure to not overload each other or be too demanding. We are both a bit private but for some reason I am a real blabber mouth here lol.

You all are my bestest friends. I know that I can get whatever I need from you guys when I come here yet you demand nothing of me.

Barque hon I think you feel worse about yourself than anyone who ever loves you would. Sometimes when we are so miserable we make bad choices and then we compound them just by the fact that we are miserable. A man who loves you will still run his fingers through your hair no matter how much you have left. It is hard to find someone when you keep yourself closed off because of lousy experiences. Course then it is a ton of work to be this miserable physically and mentally and try to maintain a relationship.

Jeff it is wonderful you have found someone. I got lucky, my other half knew me before I became disabled and still loves/lusts me lolol. I think that you can tell a person's true nature when they are willing to be involved in a relationship with someone who is already disabled.

[tigerchef1969]

Very Well said! Houghchrst!:angel:

[Jo6]

well gosh, here I am , sitting, which will be killing me if I sit long enough.

Jeff, I don't think I have met you. Welcome to Brain Talk if you are new, if you aren't new then I'm still glad to meet you.

I think I know everybody else that has posted and I am glad to see you, but sad everybody seems to be "out of sorts". I'm also "out of sorts" if you can call it that. Depression is a biggie in my life right now and not sure what problem is the kicker.

I fell in the back yard Saturday and haven't been the same since. I have also stopped the steroids for the time being. I am a loose cannon when I am on these and that young Dr. surely didn't give all my other meds. a close look or she surely would have started me with # 1, just to see how my bood pressure was going to react.

I may as well be living by myself. K has his nose in the computers all the time and I just about have to make appointments to speak to him. Lately he has gone back to his old habits of biting my head off, over nothing. I know the death of his Mom has been hard on him. I'm still having some really bad times dealing with my own Mom's death.

That is part of life and I know that, but still it doesn't make it any easier. He will be closing the Estate in mid-Feb. and the closer he gets to that the worse he is.

I told him the other day we needed to gather up all the stuff from his Mom's house that we didn't want to keep and tell his siblings to come on a certain day and time and fight it out!! After 12 years I can hardly remember what is mine and what was hers. He says, "no, that wouldn't work. I said who cares just as long as they empty out my built in porch so I can DO all the things I want to use that large room with windows all across the room and when the sun is shinning I used to love to go in there and do my piddling at whatever I fancy at the time.

Dream on, Julia!!!! Now what he has in mind about getting rid of his Mom's stuff I have no idea. He doesn't know what was hers and what is mine. I'm still trying to deal with stuff I brought from Mothers.

My baby sis & her hubby of 50 YEARS!!, is having a reception Sunday. We plan to go and I'm happy for them, but dang, 50 years?? I wasted 17 yrs. on the sob I married the 1st time and regretted it instantly. K and I have been married almost 36 yrs. We are in our , what most young people call "the golden" years of our life together. He is retired, I am retired because I had to due to bad health.

Yes Jeff, I have to keep reminding myself that there are many much worse than I. I love my kids and grands, but they are all about grown and come on special holidays. Not many present's yet and doubt I will do much. I think I'm going to put a check in a huge box for each of the boys, they will think they are getting something, but will be relieved to see its money!

Of course I hurt myself when I fell, but I had no business being outside that far from the house by myself. Sometime
I simply HAVE to get outside before I go insane and can't get back

Hello to everybody else. Grab a few s over in the corner. I'm leaving them there for anybody that needs a warm hug.

I love you all, Jo aka Julia

[tigerchef1969]

Nice To Meet you Too Julia!

Hi Julia!

Very nice to meet you!
I'm new to this forum but not to Brain Talk usually over at the Epilepsy forum. Here is a little info on me, I was a professional chef for 18 years mainly in Ohio, but worked in D.C. and New York along with Traveling the US for a major chain as Corporate Chef! Until 2006 I fell and had a Traumatic Brain Injury which ended my career along with almost my life! In Oct of 2006
I had four Brain surgeries, Staph infection, Respiratory failure twice, Coma Twice and Coded Twice during the second surgery! Six months to the day of my accident I had my first tonic clonic seizure!

I would be remiss to mention as well I am one very grateful recovering Alcoholic! This holiday season holds a true and deep meaning for me; my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer in August that also spread to her hip! She worked three days prior to the cancer diagnoses as a nurse! My life has had its many ups and downs, great times and bad times, but I know God has kept me here for a reason? I wish you the best, get well and God Bless to everyone who reads this! :angel:

[Jo6]

good morning Jeff. First let me tell you how sorry I am about your Mom. It is truely heart breaking and all of a sudden your whole life turns upside down. I do pray the treatments will help her have some quality time. Grab every one of these times and hold them close. they will help you later to deal with all the heartache. I lost my own Mom to brain cancer, she lived about 7 months before she passed away. I treasure all the times I had with her and still draw on some of those times to help me get thru tough times.

You have spent your life doing something near and dear to my own heart! I was never a Chef, but I ran a Catering business in this small town for years. Strange, but most of my custermers were from other places. I truely enjoyed what I did. It was always a struggle to find and keep part-time help. The Reg. help were good, but there were times I needed extra help just for a couple of days. Anyway, I'm very impressed with your life's choice and I'm sure your Mom is!

I am very sorry about your fall and all the horrible things that followed. It is not easy to adjust to the kind of life you have now, I know that by my own experience. I have had a few seizures and the last one almost did me in. I feel for you!
You have supplied me with the word I have been searching for every since the last seizure. Tonic Clonic!! It's been a little over a year now and I am still having a hard time getting back to where I was before that one. I had had seizures before, but never THAT bad. Anyway, I'm thankful for what I can do and sometimes get very depressed about all the things I've had to give up.

Cooking is one of those things I dare not do anymore. I never know when I'm going to fall etc. so I stay out of the kitchen.

I would like to invite you to join us in Emotional Support Forum if you have time. A great group of people, all with different problems, we rant and rave when life becomes over bearing . There is no particular topic, just what you feel is what most of us post. It helps to feel free to blabber on and on even when nobody post after you. lol

Again, I'm very sorry about your Mom. My mother-in-law died in May after a long struggle with Alzheimers Disease. I still go to Alzheimers D.forum. The people there have helped me thru some of the hardest times. I would never have made it had it not been for the love and encouragement I got there. I was MIL's main caregiver, but husband took much on when he retired. You are welcome there also..

Didn't mean to write a book here.......I'm glad you told us a bit about your life. I found it very interesting and if you ever want to talk more about your ventures I will gladly listen.

I know how crushing it is to lose a parent, especially your Mom. Please know I will say prayers for the both of you unless you had rather I didn't. I realize everyone is different.

Well gosh, I lost my post again, but was able to get back on line and click on the "restore auto post" and SURPRISE, it posted most of it!!

Deedee, I'm glad you decided to post instead of taking a sabatical from BrainTalk. Please know I am praying anf thing of you as you get thru some of the hardest times of your life.


all of my love, Julia aka Jo s

[tigerchef1969]

Wow! Thanks So Much:angel: