!!Rant/fessin' up!!

[houghchrst]

Okay I am going to try to force myself to finish a post without getting side tracked. I have started a couple of times but then I get side tracked and by the time I remember it is bed time or time to go get one of the guys from where ever and then by that time it is gone from my mind.

So..as for me I have not been well. I am pretty sure I haven't been well for longer than I realized. I think or maybe it was worse than I really realized. I have been getting progressively worse. Not sure causes, I know my stress level is sky high and my pain levels are a source of constant agony and stress. I almost feel as though if I could just pay my bills on time with no worries and was able to walk around the block at least I might be relatively happy. Not to be though.

I have started to write things down for my psych. I made a list of symptoms that I have been having some for years, some only since around April 2010 and some really within the last couple of weeks.

Racing thoughts and though I have always had them it has become so bad that I can barely think. I can't complete the sentence that comes into my head because by the time it has reached my mouth I have forgotten what I was talking about. My brain has moved on to the next thing. I constantly have to go back halfway through my sentence to try to remember so I can finish. Everything I do Very frustrating.

I have become a skin picker. This started around April 2010 right about time my mom went into the hospital. I have scars all over my shoulders and my back. Wherever I can reach. I knew it had gotten out of control but didn't realize just how bad it was until I had to use the bathroom mirror to put on some small band aids and saw my scarred back. The bf has no idea. I have been very careful. He takes on too much as it is. I am the one who has to fix it and I will.

I am still having the vivid dreams and then waking in a cold sweat. I teeth chatter my way to the bathroom to wipe down, tinkle and then I have to grab a towel so I can get back to sleep without waking the bf. I usually wake up emotionally attached to whatever I was dreaming; bright, colorful, emotional, memorable dreams that leave me feeling drained

Miserable crying jags. I feel like a leaking baby. I must break out in tears no less than two to three times a day. I am so sick of living this life, so tired. It is such a tremendous chore to try to maintain some semblance of sanity.

Suicide has been a frequent thought but gone just as quickly. I will not leave my children. Do I wish I was dead? Ha, some times. I am so very tired and to think that I have to live this way only to worsen for however long fills me with dread.

There is more but that is the worst of it. My biggest reason for not coming lately is that I only have the same thing to say. I am miserable. I am making those around me miserable and I am afraid for my child's state of mind seeing his mother in this condition so often. I have considered going to the ER but if I am going to be miserable I would rather do it here at home and be treated with my very patient and wonderful psych who doesn't know just how bad things are yet. She knows about the racing thoughts and memory issues but I haven't said anything about the skin picking.

I finally got my bill paid off and have been able to go back.

I got a scrip for the new Saphris 10mg twice a day. I can feel it within five minutes of taking it. I can feel my mind lighten and it is so amazing that every time I took it I thought "wow" but then after five minutes it keeps climbing and I slip into the horrible feeling that my brain is trying to crawl out of my skull. Trembling, faint. Truly awful feeling. This was the third days morning dose. All I could do was sleep through that last dose while I waited for my psych to call. So I skipped two days and will try the smallest dose. If I could stay at that initial feeling I get when I take it. It is sublingual and burns the crap outta my tongue and even left a bit of a raw spot under my tongue on the 2nd day.

I have to go, getting an itchy feeling.

[Mal L]

First of all, it looks as though your main problem is being overly tense. Secondly, if you have a good doctor, you you can more or less depend on her to be on top of the situation. Thirdly, a main concern is getting adjusted on the new medication, which may provide a lot of help. It's OK to rant, especially at 3 AM. I hope you can calm down soon.

[lor]

Hun, you sound like you are under alot of stess & should try to calm down a bit. Yes, you can rant/ come to us at 3am or whenever.

[joy]

I hate that you can't just delete things. I am forever more putting things in the wrong place it seems and then am stuck with it. I will never get use to this part of it. I am thakful it all works so guess that is something, if I could just get my brain to work.

I sure wish I lived close enough to you Christina, that would beat just checking in daily to see how everybody is doing. Nothing like seeing and getting to talk to someone to catch up.

[Buttons2]

I HATE the new BT!!

never know if my post will go through.......

anyways,Chris,we are here for you. now you must let your doc know about the skin picking thing. can't help you if you're not honest. could be the meds afterall? what you describe is exactly what my son tries to explain to me (racing thoughts). it's impossible for someone that doesn't have this issue to understand it. (my opinion).

is there anything that helps to calm you? taking pictures perhaps? are you able to sit down & read a book? (my son no longer reads for pleasure). do you play computer games? guess I'm suggesting things to take your mind off your financial troubles,etc?

are you smoking MJ? this might be part of the problem,especially the dreams. just my 2 cents, you need to get on a med schedule you can deal with,missing days of a pill & then going back on will just keep your brain off kelter.

how can we help? we all adore you Chris & hurt for your suffering. tell us what we can possibly do? and you are so missed when not posting!

((((hugs)))) Pati

[dawnmn]

Chris, you know we are here for you!!! I think that you should call your pdoc and let her know how you are feeling. She can't help you if she doesn't know what you are going through. Going to the hospital would be an option if she can't help you right away.
Think of the hospital like a spa. Everything is done for you. You just have to worry about getting better. No dishes to clean, laudry, or housework.
I'm finally on the right meds to get rid of the racing thoughts but I know some of my meds you have already tried. You might be suprised what the bf knows and isn't saying anything.

{{{{Chris}}}}

[houghchrst]

Joy I sure wish I lived near you too. I think I would start sobbing before I even got my arms around you. Heck I am crying now lol. I sure miss those warm soft hugs ya get from grandmas and moms. You just can't replace that. My closet which was my grandmother's still smells of her powders.

Mal yes I am overly tense. Seems to be another chronic problem. Use to be able to meditate a bit. Have tapes, etc. Brain barely shuts up now so it has become even harder when one is manic. We are trying to get my meds situated and I guess that I do leave some things out when I talk to her. I am one to go in and mostly report the same thing, stressed, depressed, usually some minimal tweaking due to the fact that we are left with almost nothing left to try because I have already tried most everything. I guess with my not telling some of it is I forget by the time I get to see her so I started making a list of symptoms, times of new meds and the time of effects. Also otherwise I would be going in there in tears every single time and I figure there are those that are making it and doing worse than I am and there is no cure so I am not even sure what it feels like to be 'normal'. I ache to feel normal, be stress and anxiety free.

Pati I feel wonderful being outside and toting my camera around. I have asked for a particular new camera for Christmas but it is almost $700 so I am pretty sure I won't be getting it. My little camera just sucks. I have always been an avid reader. Every night before bed even if it was for five minutes with one eye closed. I could read two to three books a week maybe have two going at a time, one in the bathroom, the safe room lolol. Now it takes me forever to finish a book and I rarely get to the library.

As for the MMJ yes I am still smoking, if I weren't I have no clue what condition I would be in. It calms me, helps with my pain, takes away my *****iness and attitude but what you say has gone through my mind. I have started getting a different kind of MJ which is better quality and there for a while I was smoking a lot but I am cutting back just in case. Will take a couple of days to know.

Actually the day after I posted my thread was great, the next, yesterday started out crappy with only 3 1/2 hours of sleep but I took a shower instead of getting back in bed and the day got better. Also have been taking my pain med more often. I am sick of tormenting myself by not taking my med and suffering through all the pain. That in itself would match a lot of the time line. Going to keep a better eye on things.

Thank you all. Seeing double thanks to new saphris so time to go thank you so much for all of you!!!

[Mal L]

Yes, the list of symptoms should be a good practice.

[Jo6]

Christina dear one, I am so sorry you are having such a time. I had hoped things would get better for you, but it does sound like it is going the wrong way.

I agree with Mal, keeping track of times and what you take when, how it's making you feel, all this info may unlock the door and your Dr. will know how to treat you. As you said yourself, they only know what we tell them. You have been so stressed out for so long and that will take it toll big time. Take it from someone that has been there and can still get there if I am not careful.

You are such a loving soul and everybody loves you. If you will send me your new address I will send you a copy of the page I use to make sure I take my meds. at the right time and how much etc. I would probably do myself in if I didn't wright things down.

We are all here to listen and to help you in any way that we can. You've got to let us know when you get so down. I was worried about you. I thought something was bothering you and you just didn't want to talk about it. don't be shy in talking with us, you know all of us and you need to know we care.

Taking that step, letting us all know you aren't well is a big step. Kepp taking it one step at a time. You can't fix anything from yesterday, you can't fix tomorrow until it gets here. All we can do is what is NOW. When we bundle all the yesterdays, tomorrows, it is so hard to do what we need for the moment.

Try to let all the things that stresses you just slide right off those shoulders. I am not saying things like I want to, but maybe you'll at least know I care. I'm going to have to lay my back down for awhile but I'll be checking with you. I love you dearly and it has not been hard to do. You are indeed lil Queenie!! Hold that head up high and put a big smile on your face, but if you feel like crying, let it go and cry your sweet heart of your out. We'll still love you.!!

All my love, Julia ((((((((( Queen Christina))))))))))))

[Porkette]

Hi Christina,

Keep your chin up and remember a smile is a frown turned upside down. Just like you I've had thoughts of sucide and memory problems over the yrs. and stress has gotten the best of me. A lot of what you have described sounds like
you might be having epileptic seizures. I've had them for 39 yrs. and epilepsy causes depression, suicide thoughts, a person can start having migraine headaches which lead into epilepsy and often the person will have anxiety attacks do to stress
I have found that taking viamin B12 1000 mcg. once a day has helped me more than anything else. Vitamin B12 calms the nerves gets rid of the depression, stops anxiety attacks and also seizures. You might want to consider seeing an Epileptologist
which is a Dr. that specializes in neurology problems as well as epilepsy. The dreams you are having along with picking at your skin, and unrinating while in bed could all be a form of myoclonic seizures which are seizures that happen when you first
go to bed and when you wake up in the morning. You might want to consider going to an Epilepsy Center which are usually at University Hospitals or large hospitals and seeing an Epileptolgist along with a Neuropsychologist both of these Drs. can
do tests on you and find out what is the real problem and then they can do a DNA test on you at your request to find out what meds will help you the most with the least side effects. One thing that has helped me a lot is cold water therapy which is
amazing 3 times a day I will put cold water on my face and neck this in turn calms the neurons down in my brain so I have fewer seizures and it stops a lot of the depression and negative thoughts. Here's wishing You Well and May God Bless You!

Sue

[houghchrst]

Jo I love you so much. I wish I could see you. I miss you terribly.

Sue thank you for the ideas, I had a neuro but he was more into writing scrips than anything. I stopped seeing him and now my primary treats my migraines with the same medication. I have developed heart palpitations here within the last week also.

Yesterday I stood at the edge and looked down. I stared into the black hole for a long time. I don't think I intended to jump in but ..... I don't know....I didn't anyway. I am sure I should be in the hospital ward, considered driving right there as soon as I was on the road yesterday. I have come clean with my best friend, who unfortunately due to timing came in the middle of it, and CJ and apologized for causing so much pain and fear.

I see my doc on Tuesday and tell her in more detail than I have been. I don't know why I have been so vague with her.

[Buttons2]

Chris, please let the doc help you. might mean a short hospital stay but like someone mentioned you'd be free to "do nothing" there. will be thinking of you & hoping the meds can get adjusted so you can get on with your life in some kind of peace. ((((hugs))) Pati

[joy]

Christina if you keep feeling as bad as you do when you posted this, please forget about appointments and for sure, waiting until Tuesday! Just go to the hospital. I know you will fess up just how bad whenever you next see someone this time. Not getting the right help unless you do tell how bad it is girl. Everyones loves you to pieces and any one of us will say the same thing that I have GO, don't wait.

[Porkette]

Hi Christina,

Please go to the hospital ER and have the Dr. admit you to have some neuro testing done along with neuropsychology testing done. If you are having heart palpatations this can also connect with neuro problems in many ways.
I know that neuro problems can cause a lot of depression along with the meds a person has to take for neurology problems. You have many friends who care about you so please get to the ER a.s.a.p. My prayers are with you.
May God Bless You and Be With You!

Sue

[houghchrst]

one of the main reasons I do not go to the ER is because they are full of doctors who couldn't care less what I tell them when it comes to medication, what is going on with me mentally and physically. What my history is. They will try to force me to try meds I have already tried. I have been on this roller coaster too long. The Saphris I just tried I had to stop because it was only good when it first kicked in. Then it just kept going and going and I felt overdosed. Thank God it didn't last long so I could nap through the worst of it. I have been on almost everything. I was already told that we are about at the end of the list of meds to try. I don't want to be stuck in a hospital feeling like my brain is trying to get out of my head. I see my psych tomorrow night and will take my lists and see what she says. CJ got laid off today so if I need to be hospitalized at least I don't have to worry about Shortcake.

The picking I am trying to control. I went through the same type of thing with twirling my hair in my sleep, wore silk gloves to bed to help stop that. at this point I will do whatever my psych tells me even if it is going to the hospital. She actually works at my hospital during the day. I am thinking the Saphris may be what was causing the palpitations and it has only been two days since I stopped the 5 mg doses. I am hoping it will stop. I have also stopped smoking the Sativa. As soon as I find out what is going on with me I will switch to Indica and see if it is effective. If it is still an option. I am thinking the high quality Sativa was actuating my already crazy anxiety. It can increase anxiety, not all Sativas do but most. I didn't want the couch lock that Indica is known for. There are options though, hopefully.

Also I had increased my pain medication. 10 mg Methadone 1-2 times a day. I can't live any kind of life at the pain levels I usually suffer on a daily basis so if I knew I was going to do something I would take it. I stopped that also. Back to only if I am at a 9 and am trying to get things done. Before I used it maybe 2-4 times a month. I live in a 6/7 with stabbings and jabbings of 9/10 that if they were to stick around for any length of time I would go to the ER. But they are sneaky, they come and go constantly leaving me in a state of constant recovery. Every step is a 7-9 1/2, okay a 10 but it is the same, stab and run. This is on top of the constant handelbowbackhipkneeanklefoot aches and pains. When I have to take something for pain just to load the dishwasher life gets very exhausting. Walking to the bathroom is excruciating by the time late afternoon rolls around. I am scared to death that by the time spring comes I will be almost incapacitated from lack of exercise. Yes, yes I have things I can do to keep my strength up but I am so sick of the pain and the depression can just be overwhelming. I have no energy. Feel apathetic.

This past couple months I have been trying to get our yard ready for winter, plant flowers, keep house clean, make sure shortcake and CJ got where they belonged every morning, get them both home, shortcake to therapy for his continued bowel issues, make sure he gets to his allergy shot, B is struggling with a possible possession charge and my inability to do the things I want to do was driving my anger, self loathing, self hate for my body and mind's failure to do any damn thing, and I do mean any damn thing, that I want it to do without causing some kind of glitch. I pay for every thing that I do. Is my yard done, no not really but I am/have to be satisfied that we did our best. I did not get my chickens, I only got half a compost bin unusable at this point lol, my garage never got cleaned out from the move in fact it is now worse than it was when I got it all sorted thanks to my wonderful, kind, loving, patient CJ, which also means I can rarely find something that I need out of there. Every time I ask him to do something it takes foooorrreeevveerrr. I have been fighting with DHS about the lazy arse caseworker I have who has put my case in danger, SSI is dragging their feet, they want an exact spend down of the spending of my inheritance last Oct. and Nov. because they are afraid I might have a couple dollars stashed and I am working on submitting it for the third time. They lost the last one of 13 pages I faxed. Can't find not one. Also I missed my hearing for the ridiculous fraud charges from DHS due to an ex BIL because they mailed it to the old address so since I wasn't there they found me guilty. I sent in an appeal request and haven't heard anything. In the meantime they cut my share of the foodstamps for the household, despite the appeal request and I guess I am considered guilty of some kind of welfare fraud where they don't put you in jail but make the rest of the family pay by going hungry. I have a huge folder full of evidence that it was a simple mistake and never got to defend myself so I am wanting to get that taken care of. I think they are dragging their feet cause they want their "money". Also I am sure you all are aware of the Occupy movement across the world. I knew it was coming and have been waiting so long and ache to be involved. My local group has been kind enough to accept whatever I can offer but it is just depressing. I need to be out there. I don't want this huge historical moment to pass me by.

I have to be satisfied that it can't all get done how or when I need it to. I cannot do it alone and it is not fair because I am putting not only stress on myself but CJ does almost everything around here and those are extra so I can't reasonably expect those things just cause I am all kinds of anal. Granted he is ADD and puts things off but he has got to be overwhelmed also. Especially with all this employment crap.

I am at bottom and have to get some things done to make my life easier. I should have come here sooner but it just seems I cry when I come.

I love and appreciate you all. Thank you.