Still Hangin' in there

[JanM]

Hank is not doing well. Now he wants his money in his own checking account so he can get an apartment and live on his own. That ain't gonna happen! The other day he got real hostile and the nurses had me go out the back door to "escape". I got to the truck to find him on the street with 3 nurses trying to get him back inside. He must have went out while somebody was coming in. Hank saw the truck and got in front of it preventing me from leaving, so I slowly backed up and one of the nurses pointed to a exit by going around the back of the Manor and out the other driveway. I was crying as I got to the street. I later got a call from the Manor telling me that they had to call the doctor to OK a shot for Hank to calm him down. I also was asked to sign a release so if he got that bad again that it was OK to give him a shot again. They told me it is mild and can be given up to 6 times a day if it is needed and only if it is needed. The Manor suggested that I come to visit in the mornings because of Sundowers" I had notice, when he was home, that he got worse in the late afternoon and evening.

Friday is Hank's 85th birthday. I am planning to bring a cake for the lunchtime and am also planning to eat with him in the dining room.

[Buttons2]

glad the nurses were there to help!and hope the shots will help. Friday is also a full moon,so expect things to be a bit more emotional that day. you will be fine Jan. it will just take time for adjustment. I'm glad you are posting. we all care about you & look forward to reading about some positive adventure's this summer. (((hugs))) Pati

[LaBella]

I agree with Pati, be careful while the adjustment is there. Glad to see you posting and please take care of yourself.

[mrsjerome]

Your post reminds me of the episodes with my husband when he first went into the NH.

He got out too. He managed to slip the security bracelet off his wrist so the door alarm would not ring. Either the door was not locked as should have been or the security code was disabled. But the alarm still should have rung as long as he had on the security bracelet. One of the nurses saw him walking down the busy road headed for home. (We only lived 5 mins from that first NH.) She had to run out there and get him back in. He easily could have been hit by a car as he didn’t look for traffic. For some reason walked like traffic should look out for him.

Another thing he would do is take all his clothes out of the cabinet and closet and lay on the bed. He would tell them I was coming to take him home. Whenever I came in I managed to fib a bit and tell him he would have to stay to get his urinary disturbances under control.

There was another fellow that also got out of there. There is a lake adjoining the NH and one night in the rain mind you he was found by the lake. When they brought him in, he was all soak and wet. How he got out I never found out. Afterwards he was sent to a psych unit for evaluation. After he came back was no longer as mobile as he was before. This man passed away a little over a year ago.

I have also heard of that term sundowning. I don’t know if it is really true or is it just a bunch of phooey. If you ever heard of the drug Zyprexa, there was a saying of 5 at 5. This just meant 5 mil . at 5:00 in the evening. It was suppose to calm the residents down. That too to me is controversial.

Hope the birthday goes well for him and you along with the lunch.

Take care my dear and remember one day at a time. Try not to look too far ahead as that will probably be not all you can control.

Take it Easy

mrs. j

[tic chick]

jan ,

this is probably the hardest time for caregiver's who have a loved one in the nursing home. the loved one still has enough memory and intelligence to know that they don't like where they are and can think of a different solution, no matter how unrealistic. that's what they don't understand, that they have a disease that causes them to have problems functioning mentally and physically in their lives.

it's sad that that when they stop wanting to get out of the nh it means that their illness is getting worse and that's easier for you, but you know what the price is. the only thing that gives you some peace is you know they were going to decline, there is nothing you can do about it and you can give them up for God to take care of.

peace be with you, jan,
((()))jeannie

[houghchrst]

Jan I wondered how you were faring. I am sorry you both have to go through this. Here when you need. Lots of ((((hugs))))

[JanM]

Thanks ladies for the encouraging posts. I have thought of telling Hank that he should talk to the doctor and if the doctor says it's a good thing for him to get his own place then we'll work to do it. But until the doctor gives his OK he (Hank) stays where he is. I don't know if this will calm him down for the time being or not, but is it worth a try? I am doing the same routine now as I did before he went to the NH.

[tic chick]

jan ,

i'm sure you remember reading my posts in the alzheimer's forum about how much easier it is to lie to the alzheimer's patient when they are still capable of thinking somewhat rationally. i constantly had to lie to my mom about whether she would be able to come home and of course i had to lie to her about the fact that i could get her out of the nursing home because my sister, at that point in time, was not agreeing with my decision to put my mom in the nursing home and was telling my mom that i could get her out of there.

i would keep the lie simple. the more you embellish it and the more angles you give hank to come from, the more he can hit you back with when he is in a more rational state. i would just say that you and the doctor are talking about hank's future and if he will be able to come home or live by himself and so far the doctor doesn't think so. this will limit hank's question to, "have you and the doctor decided it's okay for me to go home (live alone)?" don't encourage hank to talk to the doctor......i remember doing that with my mom and my mom kept phoning me and asking when is the doctor going to come and talk to her or what is the phone number of the doctor or can i talk to the doctor that day.

i hated to lie, but i could see the confusion telling the truth or making up a convoluted story would cause my mom and the irritation it would cause me. instead of focusing on happier things when i was there, i was always in a verbal battle with her about the doctor and when she could go home. now she never asks. she doesn't even make sense most of the time, although i think she still knows what she is trying to say, it's just not coming out the way she thinks it is.

i just think back and feel so empty...

jeannie

[JanM]

Thanks chick I am not good coming up with a story to tell Hank so I'll do as you advise, it is simple and he will say, "I didn't see any doctor here." Tomorrow I am having lunch at the NH with Hank in the dining room. And I am also bringing cake and cards from me, Dusty and 2 others that have arrived in the mail.

[Buttons2]

Jan,I think Jeannie gave good advice. one of the reasons it's so nice to share stories & experiences here. hope the birthday lunch went well.

[JanM]

I now tell Hank that the doctor has said that he has to stay here (the NH) for a while and he says "F_ _ _ the doctor! I'm NOT staying here." Then he puts his hands out, palm down, and makes them quiver. To which I say, "Is your blood sugar low, your hands do that when you are low." I gave Hank a haircut on Easter and brought him an Easter basket with goodies in it. After he got upset with me I left with him telling me to take the basket with me. I just kept walking and left the basket there.

[Buttons2]

Jan, hopefully next visit will go better for YOU. Hank is very angry right now & he has no control. you're doing the best you possibly can. treat yourself in some way-a massage might be good! buy some flowers. your life is worth living,don't be giving it away on things you have no control over. ((((hugs)))) Pati

[mrsjerome]

Jan, sounds like your husband still has his anger directed at you.

The advantage I had was that before my husband went to the nursing home, he was in the in-unit of the VA mental health center. The NH at first was like a Shangri-La compared to over there. I at times had threatened to take him back there.

So oh yes he still had the anger issues but they were no longer directed at me but to the staff or persons taking care of him. This has been an un-going problem with him even after he was transferred to the NH he is in now. They tell me that he would swear at them worse than a drunken sailor.

My husband had urological problems that sent him over the deep end. That is the excuse I would use from not taking him home. Oh sure there were times that I did bring him home for visits but darn at times that I did without one of the kids being with us, he would just put up a fit.

Just wondering but would think your husband might have some physical ailments too. If so would it be possible for you to use that as a way for him to believe that temporarily he has to stay put.

The best is to avoid confrontations with him. Try best to change the subject otherwise he will have you going round and round. The more that happens , he will just get angrier just like what is occurring now making it necessary for you to leave.

Hopefully in your case you will be able to find the right approach that will work.

Take Care

mrs j

[JanM]

There is no changing of the subject, 'cause he always comes back to it. I limit my visits to ewo a week. Of couse, the "hens" don't know why I never come to see him. I gave 2 of them an earful on Easter......'nuff said!!!! He needed denture stick'em and I went after my "Pink Lady" awards dinner to bring him some. Like the coward I am, I handed it to the nurse and asked to see that he got it.

[houghchrst]

Jan there is nothing cowardly about it. It is called self preservation and we all got it at some level. You have yourself to think of also.