June chitchat

[Prot]

June, and it's still far from warm here in the UK. It would've been my Dad's 94th birthday today. He died last July.

[agate]

I'm so sorry you lost your father, Tim. Were you and he good friends?

[Prot]

I'm so sorry you lost your father, Tim. Were you and he good friends?

He was closer to my sister than he was to my bother and me. I admired his achievements more than I admired him as person. Loved him more than liked him. Apart from a 2 week visit to Charlotte in 1995-I saw him less than once a year from 1981-2023 . In 1981 he went to be British consul general in Atlanta at time when I was at the start of my last and longest stay as a psychiatric inpatient. In 1985, when his posting ended, he chose to retire and stay in Atlanta(later moving to Charlotte) rather than become British ambassador to the Gabon etc. He retired as the diplomatic equivalent of a 2* general, and was listed in Who's who.

We bonded most over our shared interest in genealogy/family history. I do wish he was still alive as it's possible I've made a significant breakthrough in tracing our Gatty ancestors.

[Virginia]

I am so glad that Tim and Agate are still chatting. Yes Agate I am stressed and overwhelmed at this time. I am also very worried. Yesterday my brother and his wife flew to Florida to my nephew's condo. My brother was going to rent a truck and they had people lined up to help them load the truck with my nephew's furniture. He was going to drive the truck back and his wife was going to drive a small truck that belonged to my nephew. So, that would be two people on the road and neither of them in good shape considering what they are going through.

I talked to my middle brother earlier today and if he had not heard from our brother who went to Florida within a certain amount of time he was going to contact their daughter and make sure they were alright and then call me. I have heard nothing from anyone, and I realized it is too late for me to call anyone. So my mind is going to all kind of places and I feel so stressed out.

But I am still glad you two are kind of keeping the lights on.

[agate]

I hope you can take it easy anyway, Virginia, even if you have to lecture yourself into it. Sometimes a person just has to sit back with eyes closed and breathe for a while and think about something peaceful.

I went through something similar with my daughter. It was the worst stress ever. All of the arrangements that absolutely had to be made--people coming and going, travel schedules, the weather, documents to find, documents to sign, her belongings, her friends and colleagues, the service itself, all on top of feeling in shock and numb with just trying to get used to the fact of her death.

For the first day after learning she was dead, I didn't believe it. I concocted all kinds of stories about what might "really" have happened and I actually believed them. To this day I'm horrified that I could have been in so much denial but since then I've heard of many people having similar reactions to sudden very bad news.

And of course you're worried sick about whether your brother and sister-in-law have bene up to that stressful trip. Quite a distance to travel for them, isn't it? I hope you'll soon be finding out that they are all right. I hope you can keep us posted. We do care here even though we can't offer any practical assistance.

[Prot]

It can be very hard both emotionally and practically when someone you love dies. This may be wrong to say, but I was emotionally avoidant for quite a while after my wife died. Then the little things, the seemingly inconsequential ones, would make me feel tearful and distressed. Nearly 19 years later I still get those moments.

[agate]

I know what you mean. After my daughter died quite suddenly, I found that I had so much to do, things that absolutely had to be done, that I never had a spare moment, and that went on for about a year. I did sign up to swim once a week at a local pool, though, as a way to exercise. That hour in the pool once a week was just about the only time when I wasn't busy doing things that had to be done.

At first I'd be swimming my laps and would start to think and remember. Then I would start to cry. I realized that I was better off not having any time to think because I would dwell on the grief and maybe immerse myself in it.

I kept telling myself that my daughter wouldn't have wanted that to happen. She would have wanted me to move on. Eventually I was able to be in the pool without feeling overcome by sadness but it took time.

[Virginia]

I went through the businesses after my husband died. I realized later that it kept me from dwelling on it, but when all of that slowed down I felt like I was coming unglued and totally falling apart. For a long time it got worse, not better. I was still young enough to be vital and yet there was no where for that vitality to go. I had given up my job the day we were told he would not live, so I went out and got a part-time job after he died. This was in March, 1987 and there is not a day that he isn't part of my life. The best thing I did for myself was join a widow's support group. We had lost our husbands in February, March and April of that year. The only thing was I was not only the youngest in the group but also the only one without children.

In spite of it all, I have never lost a child. My brother dotted on his youngest son and child. His mother is stronger when it comes to these things. Even the two older children are more worried about their dad than their mom. We are very concerned for her but out deepest worry is for my brother.

My middle brother said my sister-in-law was home when I called him this morning at 9:30. He lives just a couple of blocks from them. He told me he would call when our brother got home. It is 4:45 and I have heard nothing more. I am going to text my niece and see if they are in contact with him.

when I know something I will come back on.

[Virginia]

Gratefully, my brother is home. There are still some small things to get from Florida. I don't know what they are going to do about my nephew's other vehicle. If it was leased they might just turn it in. I am not sure how long my sister-in-law and niece are going to stay. They want to clean the condo while they are there.

maybe I can eat a baked potato now and try to calm down a bit. Thank you for listening.

[agate]

Sounds as if the rest of your family have one another but sometimes you don't find things out until somewhat later. It's really hard to be childless in a situation where so many others have children and grandchildren. People often don't understand that the person who is totally alone--no children, no spouse--can be hurting too. They forget because they're wrapped up in the needs of the immediate family, the ones who live with them or very nearby.

This board is still here though it's not the same as real people who come through your doorway with a warm smile and maybe some little thing to cheer you up, some flowers or some food, or just a hug to let you know they understand.

Think of us as doing those things virtually. You've been here for us for--how many years? We're here for you.

[Virginia]

Thank you Agate. Believe me it counts more than you know.

[agate]

Just returning here and wondering if you've had any news, hoping that they're getting along all right.

[agate]

I hope you're catching up on some rest, Virginia, and not dealing with any new stress.

[Virginia]

My brother called me briefly today. He is just reeling and says he is trying to get straight in his mind what needs to be done first. He says it is going to be a long time before everything gets done. It is just so much when someone like that dies. I think you talked about that Agate, so you can probably relate. I don't know if Grayson had a will or not. I know that his finances were quite complicated, then there are all the other things while all the time dealing with such terrible grief.

His wife and daughter flew back to Florida today. They are going to rent a vehicle and get a few more small things out of the condo. My brother had been concerned about it being broken into because this has been so public and so many people knew who he was. They are coming back tomorrow or Wednesday.

Sunday my brother's daughter and her family are going to the beach for a week. His wife is going with then..My brother is going to join them for a couple of days the middle of the week. My niece has 2 very young boys and this is his wife's outlet. My brother is crazy about them but right now he needs some quite time. I just hope when he gets some alone time he doesn't fall deeper into depression.

I told him not to worry about me, that I loved him. He said when he could (this time he meant emotionally) he would come over and sit down and talk. He seemed just a little better when talking about all my nephew's fellow golfers and the golfing world and how they have reached out during this time. There have been so many memorials for my nephew.

He is and will continue to be very missed.

I noticed that Tim hasn't been here today. I hope this talk doesn't scare him away. It will not last forever. We will return to our new normal of being a forum of few.

[Virginia]

By the way Tim, if you are not getting enough warm weather I'll be glad to beam some over to you and just a little later this summer I will be happy to give you some more. I live in the south. I would love to give some of our hot weather away.