What's Happening in our Caregiving World?

[Buttons2]

little things can hurt!

one of my housemate's DILs sends cards addressed to just him for every single occasion. she is well aware I live here too. it's just another way she gets to claim the title of worse B**** in the family.

a few weeks ago my HM accused me of stealing a steak. now I don't like steak & certainly didn't steal it! he managed to find it of course. I hope he'll get some tests done to find out if he has dementia. my patience is running low right now. he also managed to mess up his checkbooks (I was waiting for that to happen since he uses about 5 of them). he is aware his mind is slipping. since I forget things also we sometimes joke about who will end up with Alz. now I KNOW it's no laughing matter so please don't anyone be offended.

if he has 2 things to do he won't recall one of them. maybe my brain is overworked trying to work for both of us??

[Jo6]

((((Pati)))) Honey, you have had so much crap dumped on you lately. I would say HM is already knee deep in some sort of dementia. Maybe his family is getting so cozy with him they have noticed his blunders and they are hoping to "get a loins share" of his estate!! Maybe they are working toward NH?

You are plenty sane, but got too much stress on you these days. It seems HM has gotten much worse since Lori died. That will happen sometimes when a death or some thing bad happens. that's what I have been wondering about. It seems he has taken a nose dive downward.

About your Mom, I know it's hard to give in and know her life isn't the way she seems to want you to know. If you listen close it will come out, like your recent phone call from her. It is very troubling with both your parents so far away. Then there is foaming at the mouth HM!! He is not being right by you at ALL!!

I'm sorry sweetie, I mean no harm, but I worry so for you. You don't need to have to take care of HM. Let him try it awhile, all on his own and he may realize he needs you there. that's still no reason for you to stay if you want to go. It does hurt to be so blatenly (?) out right hateful to you. Anybody in their right mind would not get worked up over you stealing a steak!! Does that sound like a rational person to you?

It seems nothing is rational about him. If feels like all the people that have been "absent" all these years are hovering about, just waiting for him to go to NH or die. That's the way family does. I had enough of that with my own and also with Ken's family.

Iwant to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. Hope you will take a little vacation with your son. That may be just what you need.

My love, Jo

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends that are members here!! s

[tic chick]

hey everyone!

i went to visit my mom on friday and not thanksgiving day. there was just too much stuff to do and i was the one doing it all.

i walked into the home and the aide that my mom calls her "mother" told me that i was in for some trouble because my mom was saying that she raised everyone and noone came to see her on thursday. so i rolled my eyes and went into the dining room.

well, my mom did mention that noone came to see her on thursday. the staff were all saying "happy thanksgiving" during the day and my mom knew it was something special, but i don't know if she remembers what thanksgiving day is. so she asked me if i had a big party and why didn't she come? i said i didn't have a party, it was just my family. she didn't really seem distressed over it. she did get upset over something she remembered about her mother, but again, i didn't understand what she was trying to say. forgetting words and losing your train of thought doesn't make for easy conversation.

i cut my visit short because i had grocery shopping to do and everyone was out for cyber friday shopping and traffic was crazy!

i feel so useless visiting my mom cause i don't understand her. i smile and nod my head. i bring her fresh fruit. i don't know what else to do.

this person is my mother, yet she isn't.

some days it all feels so pointless, you know? and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. there is not a damn thing i can do about it.

as you would say julia, chit.

thank you all for being here. i know you all care and that gives me strength to go on.

,
jeannie

[Buttons2]

[B]Jeannie, in my opinion it does make a difference that you go to visit your mother. for one thing the STAFF knows you come visit. and I'd imagine they chat among themselves about who gets visitor's & who doesn't. in could very well make a difference in how your mom is treated.

did you find a radio she can use? music might help her to relax.

I know these visits are hard on you,but you're not the type of person to not visit. in other words you are doing your dutiful daughter bit & we all admire you for that.

(((hugs)))Pati

PS my mom doesn't make sense these days & I'm grateful for this forum cause it sure helps me to understand. when she calls me to say she's bored,I don't get offended anymore.she has it in her head that my sister is trained to take care of her in her old age. not likely!

[Jo6]

(((((( HUGS TO ALL ))))))

Somedays I don't know what to say. I know how it feels too much and I want to encourage, not discourage any of you. I just know I love you all and would take the pain away if I could.







s

[tic chick]

hey everyone !

well, it was a pretty good visit today with mom. she was in the dining room when i came. she was looking out the window. i asked her if she had seen the light snow we had gotten the other day and she said she saw it but not coming out.......and then she forgets the word for sky and loses her train of thought. so i said, you didn't see it falling out of the sky but you saw it on the ground and she says yes.

i had my arm around her and i was rubbing her shoulder and she asked me to do her neck. so i rubbed her neck and i put my head on her shoulder. i gave her a couple of kisses...i don't know why i was feeling so emotional. it's like i wanted to pretend in the silence of the room and looking out the window that my mom was okay and we were just sharing a normal mother/daughter moment. she seemed to be getting tired after lunch, but she didn't want to go to her room and lay down on the bed. i think she liked the sun shining on her face and the warmth of the room and the quiet. she can fall asleep in her wheelchair anytime.

i went to her room to wash the grapes i had brought her and put the bananas on her bed table. i talked to the man sitting in my mom's room and visiting his wife. he is such a nice man and funny, too. his wife just stares at the ceiling. it looks like she's in a vegetative state, her eyes don't focus, they just stare up. i noticed her leg jerking too, underneath the cover. she is being fed with a tube in her stomach. they have her on a special air mattress so she doesn't get bedsores, cause she can't really be turned. her husband is there everyday, he knows everyone that comes in the room by their first name. he brings a cooler with food in it for himself. he mentioned once that he's there at night a lot. he's having trouble sleeping, he says. he rub's his wife's arm and he talks to her. i think she can hear and maybe she can understand, but who knows? he seems to think she does and that's what matters.

so, he tells me how my mom has been the previous week. he says she's been pretty good, getting around in her wheelchair and not laying in bed much during the day. his wife is the perfect roommate for my mom, cause once they put a talkative woman in with my mother and they ended up in a screaming match...that was about the beginning of the year. so, i guess they noticed she get's agitated around people who invade her space and butt into her privacy.

so, i was talking with the man and he said something so funny. he said, "i've been married a few times and about the only thing i notice that's different about each woman is the brand of make-up she wears." i didn't know quite how to take that, but it was very funny, i think maybe he was trying to say most women are alike...lol. anyway, his wife is getting progressively worse from her disease. she'll hold out a while because she is only 62, but the disease will kill her eventually for sure. he has no children, i don't know what he's going to do when she dies. he says he keeps adjusting to the changes he sees in her...the final change is always the hardest.

i went out on a meeting a guy date last sunday. i had emailed this man a few times and he seemed interesting. then he asked me to call him one sunday to make plans to meet. well, i dialed the number 3 times and three times i got this pi**ed off woman who kept saying i had the wrong number. so, i emailed him and sent him back the number he had given me and i asked if that was the wrong number. he said, no it was one number off and i would make a poor secretary (what a jerk, i thought), and then he gave me a telephone number that was like 3 numbers wrong. and i called that number and it was wrong, too. so i emailed him and said something smelled wrong to me and i thought it best he not email me any more. so he emailed me back with another number and it was one number off from the first number he had given me. i called that number and got him. he said he was sorry for the bad joke and that he was dyslexic (he transposes numbers and letters wrong in words). he said to please give him another chance and i said i'd think about it. well, i didn't email him for almost a week and he emailed me and said he thought he'd just say hi! and asked if i would just have coffee with him. so, since he was so persistent, i said okay and we met at this coffee shop by my house. we talked about 2 and half hours and he actually is a very nice person. so, i'm going to see him this sunday for a couple of hours.

i actually don't want to date during the chirstmas season, cause all the commercials make it seem so romantic with the snow falling and people walking and laughing while they blow their money on stuff they can't afford...lol. i think it creates kind of a false atmosphere of cheer and togethrness and might make you get closer to someone than you would at any other time of the year. give me someone who will be around in the pits of january, not the christmas season.

so, i continue to go counseling and deal with all this new stuff in my life. i asked my daughter to leave the house and she left yesterday. she's 26 and she has a job and medical insurance and i'm pretty sure she can take care of herself. she was just being disrespectful to me and it's like she knew the days when i felt the worst and her radar would zoom in on me and she would get so snotty. everytime i talked to her, i d get some kind of back talk. she has a few chores she has to do around the house and she got mad at me one day and said she wasn't going to wash the towels. well, that was the day it was too much and i wrote her a letter asking her to be out of the house in a month. i love this child, but she has something against me and she is so cold and nasty to me. i don't need this on top of everything else that's going on. i think this is gonna be a big lesson in maturity for her. of course if something bad happens, she can always come home, but i told her i hope she'll be happier alone than she was here.

and there's not a damn thing i can do about her either ...so i gotta let her go. this was my last resort, cause everything else i tried didn't work. maybe this will.

everything in my life is going down the tubes this year. my mom is getting worse, my mom prolly has cancer, i separated from my husband of 34 years and now i kicked my daughter out of the house. they're all still alive, but i don't have the same relationship with them.

some days i feel like i'm living in a different world...i'm not depressed, just confused and dizzy from all the change...

thank you all for sharing and caring ,
jeannie

i saw a radio i liked, pati, but it seemed a bit expensive. maybe it will be cheaper after christmas. my mom can wait. julia and joy, you are so sweet. and mrsq and mrs jerome and ging, i hope you start posting more and start feeling better, also.

[Buttons2]

Jeannie,your daughter might be snotty lately cause of the changes. time to grow up though. you have every right to a life of your own choosing.

now about the email guy. why not have some romance during the holidays? I think you should grab all the nice moments you can! this will be a very different holiday for you Jeannie,better to meet a friend & enjoy a laugh than stay home with memories. just my 2 cents.

(((hugs))) Pati

[Jo6]

dearest Jeannie, you have had a chit load of depressing things this year and I think you need a vacation!! I know it hard to tell a child (grown-up) to find other dwellings, but sometimes I think they want to leave the nest, but don't know how to go about it so they nit-pick and so on until they have made it impossibael to be in the same house. that could be an explanation, but what do I know. My oldest and youngest have moved in and out so many times I can't count. Right now they are both living away from home and seem to be ok with it all, so daughter will survive and get back in your good graces and be nice daughter to nice Mama. Just take it with a grain of salt.

Be careful of those guys that play little jokes that aren't funny, but that to may not be good advice.

And Mom, I am glad you talk with the man that is Moms roommates hubby. It can be good for both of you. He can see the "inside" of what happens when you aren't there. From my experience the CNA's will be better to your Mom when he is around. then they learn their patient isn't so bad after all. I'm glad you had the tender moments with Mom. Like you said before, you never know how much and what she understands. The tenderness can be good later on. I watched Ken with his Mom. He was very attentive to her every known need when he was there. She would look up at him and try to smile. It had been ages since I heard her call his name, but he said that was alright, she knows I'm someone that loves her and cares for her.

Ken was clearing out the yr. in his day planner the other night. He read a passage I didn't know was there. He told me that on such and such a date he said Mom has had another stroke, she has turned that last bend It's almost over. Mary died exactly one week later. Nobody told us she had had another stroke. I know I thought it.

No, you can't do a damn thing about what others do, especially your Mom. My heart hurts for you. It's too bad siblings will make it harder the closer it gets. Ken will never understand why his bro. would rather walk across the street to keep from speaking to him. Nor why his sis and same bro. made everything as hard as they could for him to the very end.

Jeannie, you have done an outstanding job handling all these crises. Just know there are people on the other end of your computer that cares about you and I would do anything I could do for you.

To all you brave ladies, Mrsj, Mrs Q, Jan and Ging and anybody that slips my mine at the moment, I love and appreciate all of you. I pray others that are just lurking, will find some peace in here somewhere.

All my love, Julia s

[tic chick]

hey everyone !

pati, this child of mine has been a regular thorn in my side, pain in the butt since she's been 16...so this has been 10 long years of probs with her. about 7 years ago, when i was going through menopause, she dropped out of college for some reason and broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. she sat on her butt and played nintendo for almost a whole year and she criticized everything i did. i was at my hairdresser's and i was telling her about my daughter. i have been going to my hairdresser for about 20 years already and she knew my daughter. my hairdresser was the manager of the hair salon at macy's. and do you know what this wonderful, kind woman who does my hair and did my girl's hair did? she said, tell your daughter to come here and fill out an application, i need a receptionist and i'll hire her. and she did. that was just what my daughter needed to get out of her depression and get off my back, cause i told my daughter she better take this job or the nintendo was going. julia, i also think you're right about them getting nit-picky when they want to leave...only my daughter just got nastier. they can't just say, mom, i want to be on my own...no, they have to make you kick them out so they have an excuse. they can say, "oh, my mom kicked me out for no reason."...yeah.

[Jo6]

Jeannie, what a beautiful picture ! Just looking at your Mom, she doesn't look like she is so ill!! Oh no, I'm not doubting you, its just a great picture of you both. She looks serene (?) and peaceful. there is that.

this is one that you will probably frame and keep forever!!

Yes, I would say you had a good visit. I love you, dear one! Julia

s for ((((((Jeannie & Mom))))))

[mrsjerome]

The NH called yesterday. My husband has been complaining of stomach pain off and on lately. None of the meds that their Dr. prescribed has seemed to make a difference. So they want him to see the gastronologist that did his surgery back in Sept. I gave him the name and they were going to call and schedule an appt.

They called back later to let me know that they scheduled an appt. for earlier this morning and wanted to know if I could take him.
I told them no as this was at an office too far away and unfamiliar for me. So they said they would make arrangements for one of their staff to take him.

They called me today and said that someone took him and he was back at the nursing home. The Dr. reduced the protonix that he is taking and prescribed another med to be given when his stomach bothers him. He also wants them to do some kind of blood test that registers the acidity in his body. Then he wants to see him in another month which will be after the holidays.

If he had been in that other NH, I very much doubt any of this would be done for him. They would just have left him in that crypt they call a room and ignored him.

I am hoping that tomorrow my youngest son will take me down to the NH to visit. I am just getting back to driving more but don’t like to venture too far from home. Just take it a day at a time.

Wishing all of you well

Take Care

mrs. j

[joy]

what a lovely look your mother has. as much as i loved my mother, and as good as I thought she was, I truthfully cnnot say she had a plesant demeanor about her. Kinda sour, I am afraid I am too much like her in that respect these day well longer truthfully. She was not one for hugs kisses or making much fuss over anyone or anything. yep she had a rough life and it seemed to never have left her. But it is those regrests that can eat after you after they are gone that will make you miserable. So I am so glad you have had some nice visits etc. hold onto those memories for sure. Eve for picture taking, mother might have her hair done etc. do everything but smile!!! unbelievable not just once but always it seemed to me.

[Buttons2]

Jeannie,thanks for sharing the pic. I had your mom pictured as skin & bones (like mine). I agree she LOOKS healthy. hope your daughter finds a place & will treat you with respect from now on.

Mrs. J,it's a blessing your DH is in this new place,hopefully his stomach issues will improve now.

[Jo6]

((((mrs.j))))

I am so thank you got your hubby out of that hell hole. NH's can be horrible and at their best it leaves a to to be desired!!!

the first one we placed Mary in was a mistake from the get go. After all papers were signed, we were to take her on Monday. Ken and I decided to pop in on Sat. afternoon. Man alive, we both came away sick!

There was not 1 soul, like a CNA, nurse or even a baby sitter anywhere to be found. All the little patients were sitting on a bench near the door. They wanted us to hold the door so they could leave. It was nothing like the lobby which was nice and had expensive furniture in it.

Ken said he was moving her as soon as he got the word from the last one we took her. Mary had not even been there yet!! Well, I've posted this more than once but her roommate did not like Mary. the feeling was mutual. The room mate was forever pushing and shoving her and hitting her. We asked that they move her, but that fell on deaf ears.

She ended up with a fractured skull courtsey of her roommate! Mary didn't spend another night there. the second one was ok, they did have decent rooms and the staff was mostly friendly. It got worse as times went on.

How is Mr.J doing? I hope they get to the bottom of things and have him feeling much better. It sure would help you to go home and try taking care of yourself. We still worry, but we do the best we can. You have been thru a lot yourself. how are you getting along?

My heart goes out to you and I pray all will settle down and you can have a somewhat good holiday. It is good son is willing to help you out getting to the NH.

take care of your self, Jo ((((mrs. j ))))))

[tic chick]

hey everyone ,

i visited my mom after lunch today. she was in bed, but awake and reading. i don't know how much she can exactly read or understand, but she is always reading something different when i see her book. she definitely didn't know i was jean today. she started talking and didn't stop. i thought maybe she was describing that she had choked on some food the past week, but i wasn't sure. she said in a sad way that she wanted to go and see her parents. i'm not telling her anymore that someone is dead, it just upsets her too much for as long as she remembers it. i bought her some some new clothes that i got for her online, some nice sweatpants and a couple pair of velour pants. i got her a fleece snowflake top and a short sleeved shirt which she can wear in the spring, but she'll probably wear it now anyway.

then the warmth of the nursing home and and my mom's non-stop talking made me tired. i looked at her over my glasses, so it would look like i was looking at her and i closed my eyes. next thing i knew, my husband is tapping my shoe to wake me up and go. i just wish some days i knew the code my mom was talking in.

thank you all for sharing and caring and being here ,
jeannie