What's Happening in our Caregiving World?

[joy]

I am sorry, I am staying pretty confused since this stuff started and not sleeping well together. I do recall you being here just too tired from everything and do recall it is karen and hank. I hope I recall that you had a move once tho some time ago. forgive me if i even have that wrong.

[Jo6]

Daily Joy, I'm telling you what I told Pati, don't sweat the small things. I make so many mistakes it is pitiful and when I am not well it gets worse.

I don't know Karens hubby's name, she calls him Mr.Q. Hank is Jans hubby, but for all I know that may be Mr.Q's name too. I just don't know. See, I don't know squat.!!

I'm glad to see you post, but don't wear yourself out. I won't repeat all the things I told you to do in the Emotional Support forum, but I meant every word of it. We gotta get you better, DJ. I hurt just thinking of all the things that is on you right now.

Now mrs j. has been absent for quiet awhile. the surgery she had a month or so ago is the second surgery she has had since she went missing! I was asking all the time if anybody had heard from her. I was mighty worried about her. I'm happy she has been able to post some.

My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of you. ((((Jeannie,)))) it's Thursday, my thought are especially with you today. I hope all goes well.

Well, my back says it's time to stand up or lie down. the down thingy sounds the best. I got up at 4:30 a.m. Ken had to go to Dr. for a post surgery appointment. So far things look good. He is working on his old computer to see if he can restore it for a back up. Don't ask me why because he has so many here at the house and some down in his shop.

BTW, if the memory wasn't all destroyed when the thing blew up he is wanting to put the memory on my computer. If he does that I may not be here for a while. We shall see.

My love to you all, Jo s

[joy]

thank you again. I am so sleepy, still awake and pushing hard so I hopefully can sleep tonight for that sleep test.

I will admit I am trying too hard to put it all together. Made it so much easier when you could just look back. Well since staying at computer is keeping me awaake so far, I did look back. Yes she talked about houses and needing a bathrrom bigger etc at one time. Yep you are so right I will not try for any more names at least until I have had some sleep, LOL.

If I can just keep my family troubles from overflowing until I get tonights' test over with, I think that will be a big blessing as well. One of lifes' funny ha ha ha has on me is that I tried so hard to adopt more than one kid so as to not raise just one alone. And each of my children have just one kid. So they will never know the fun of keeping family peace between their own kids. :ambivalence: Man I so wish son had a taste of it right about now. It might kick him in his inside yet if he doesn't watch it. At least I have two to try and make it with wink wink. If he gets his one as p***ed off as he gets, well he'll be out of luck for sure.

[tic chick]

welcome back mrsjerome!

we were kind of getting worried about you! i know you said you were going in for knee replacement or hip replacement surgery earlier this summer. sorry you had to have another surgery! glad you're driving again, though!

it's really not fair for a nursing home to make a patient go to another place. that just shows that they don't have the staff or knowledge to work with a possibly disruptive personality. every nursing home should be able to handle any kind of patient without resorting to drugs to keep them under control...just my humble opinion.

thank you for thinking of me today, julia and the rest of you that also do. my mom was in the dining room today. once again i didn't understnad much of what she was trying to say. i did understand that she was talking about the snow flurries we were getting throughout the afternoon here. that's about it. she doesn't seem to be in much distress anymore, cause she has forgotten that she is in a nursing home and that she once had a family. she still doesn't call me by name, but when i walked into the dining room, i saw her look at me and she started to smile and motion me over. so she still remembers my face, just maybe not who i am or what my name is. i guess this is the best i could ask for...although it is sad that the more she forgets the less pain there is for me and her, because she doesn't want to go home and i don't have to lie to her about why she can't and so many other things. i just have mixed feelings...more memory=more distress, less memory=less distress.

but i can't do anything about it, i can't do anything about it.

this has probably been one of the hardest years in my life and it seems to be coming to a close, in so many ways. it's kind of scary to look ahead and wonder where i'm going to end up.

but that's okay, cause i know i won't end up with any regrets when i'm my mom's age, God willing i still am here.

thank you all my friends for sharing and caring,
jeannie

[Buttons2]

every Thursday you have us thinking of you Jeannie. glad it went OK yesterday. (((hugs))) Pati

Joy,hopefully someday your kid's will learn to connect rather than feud! we can always hope right? my son's never got along too well either,different as day/night. as siblings they lived a life I was unaware of (jealous of BD parties,etc). as they get older alot of the petty stuff goes by the wayside. ((((Hugs))) Pati

[joy]

I hate to say it but my son does not believe there is such a thing as restless leg syndrome even! He never was one to have much compassion for anothers pain, in my opinion. I am so afraid he may learn a lot before he leaves this earth. It is daughter that has RLS. His dad when they discussed this told him to go talk to MY brother. Brother has it and can kick holes in sheets and keep his feet moving big time according to what he has told my hubby. oh well i am getting so much better at just letting it all go. but it hurts daughter so much. I wish she could be getting sorta hard hearted like I am. He has said some of the most rude, hurtful things to me. and to his dad as well. that is what did it the most for me! when he talks bad to hubby. he has not in such a time but i don't think he has changed either. oh well, i believe it will be his loss in long run.

[Buttons2]

Joy, if son degrades anyone with health issues I'd just keep mum about them. he won't understand until HE suffers the same.which may never happen. he's not uncommon in his feelings. don't give him a chance to insult!

as for RLS,give your daughter a bar of soap to put between the sheets at foot of the bed ,for some reason (unkown) this works for many people! I had my sis try it when she was here & sure enough it worked for her too. worth a try & cheap too!

in your daughter's case it may be caused by her epilepsy meds.

Good luck!

[Jo6]

Well, if someone doesn't believe there is such a thing as RLS then I invite them over to my house. Try to go to sleep with Ken and they will find out real quick it's not something some jerk made up!! We have a kingsize bed, I can get on the very edge away from him and if I have been lucky enough to have gone to sleep I won't be asleep long.

When he kicks my leg that has bad veins I am ready to go postal!! He just snores right on. He won't even talk to a Dr. about it. Maybe I'll show the doc all the bruises on my thighs and legs he will either call Ken and suggest something to help the RLS or call the police and report him for domestic abuse!

Joy, I don't think it matters how many kids you have, none of them get along. When we all get together at least 2 or more will be at the others throat! So, I can't blame the grands too much, they are just doing what they see their parents do.

Jeannie, it's just a crap shoot. Something will get easier, but it will be because 2 or more things are worse for mom. Oh how I wish I could say things here that will make it all better. If she was enjoying the snow that is good. She is still with you. If she smiles and waves for you to come over try to let that warm your heart. You are right, you can't tell if she knows you or not, but at least she knows you are kind and pleasant to her and that is something to hang on to.

Ken used to say "Mom doesn't call my name anymore, but she knows I won't hurt her. She seems to enjoy seeing me. That was true. I would see her face light up when she saw him come in.
You have had a hard year, but we can pray for some sunshine. ((((Jeannie))))

I think of all of you that post here. I know even that can be hard somedays. I just want to find good things to say to all of you. I'm afraid there aren't too many good things to say. We have each other, that is a blessing to me! I've come here around 12 yrs. and I am thankful for each and every one of you.

My love to all, Julia s

Yes mrs. j, we are very glad to have you back. You were missed.

[joy]

well we no longer have family get togethers. and son once he found out we went to daughters Chhristmas morning, well no we had to come to his house as well. we tried that a time or too but somehow nothing ever pleased son good enough. now it is weird, his wifes step fateher can pain a wrong color and not a word, but let his dad paint it not to his liking, and he got his arse chewed out. like inviting us over. then about time we get there say oh yes, we invited her parents also. that wasn't the rub. it was when he told us to e on our best behavior. like we just aren't worthy enough. they are richere that is for sure. gee i love it back when he talked about mowing that man's work place all the rules etc and the low pay., LOL. and his tewo big lard you know what's that would not jump up to help clear the table like he does with his mother-in-law. yes son has manners - when he wants to use them and for who he wants to please. enough said. if daughter would just get over it, she knows to warn ME if i should outlive her dad. why, well because son is power of attorney. i feel like he will take what piece of land he wants, draw a salary and leave her flat without anything if he can. But i abided by husband's wishes because he said, well at leasst his wife is smart and she can help him.

Daughters husband is a dumb as a post, sorry but true. she will not get anything as her husbands parents own the business she works at for them, their house everything. But i know who to go see and also know I can change it. Any wonder why I say I want to go first? well a not so close family sure can make for unplesantness and make you dread all the fall out that you know will happen. I know you understand this Jo. I have spoke with you before. I'll be okay.

I also do NOT want the daughter having to be the one to say, yep nursing home. Son will in a heartbeat. Not daughter but her health is bad and I know this. Having to let my sister-in-law run that over me when I was so down and stupid was the sorriest day I can remember. I don't want daughter to have to do it.

So you all can be watc keepers also. If you think I am losing it, PM me and say time to go change some things, I'll add a lol here and a written smile because I do value your opinions.

[mrsjerome]

I think this might have been one of the worse years of my life too. Instead of getting better each year seems to have more difficulties than the previous one. The way things are going am not looking to see a change. If it isn’t one problem solved another pops in to take it’s place. These are suppose to be the golden years. The anything golden about them is the heaping harvests for the medical establishment.

My youngest son took me to see my husband yesterday. He gave him a short ride around the town in his new car. He seemed to enjoy that. We went back to the NH and he had a few snacks to eat , then wanted to go lay down. He is doing better after we almost lost him in Sept due to the stomach bleed. In a way it has turned out to be a benefit for him that he was kicked out of that nursing home near me. If there ever was a dump that NH should be at the head of the class.

I don’t know what to say about the sibling rivalry. If adult children cannot get along with each other, more often than not their mates are now in the equation and sometimes that just adds to the jealousy. It just makes it so much harder cause it usually puts the parents in the middle. Someday when their children are grown they will get a taste of it themselves.

All of you take care
mrs j

[Jo6]

Yes joy, I remember our talks. Its too bad kids can't be on their best behavier when Mom $ Dad comes around. Yes, the MIL, and thats all I am a MIL cause Beth will never get married or have kids. So, here we are, we have to pay for weddings, showers and etc. When babyy comes along we are instructed to NOT hold the baby until they are 6 months old!!

mrs j , you are right about the golden years too. every word you said. Boy, were we that guilable(sp?) as to believe we were saving and scrimping for all that travel, new house, new cars, etc? I guess we were and as it turns out the joke is on us! yes mrs j , you are so right.

also right about NH's. I thought there for awhile they would want us to take Mary some place else. She sure got her licks in with the help there. I can't help but laugh. I saw how they treated others when they thought we wern't looking. When MIL fell and broke her shoulder and arm in 3 places I had another patient tell me how it all happened. She didn't want me to say any thing and I can't blame her. I didn't, but it made me more watchful.

Well, I better go to bed before it becomes another day. My thoughts and prayers are with you all as well as your LO's.

s toall of you Julia

[joy]

mrsj you are so right. i will admit my daughters husband is no prize. she tells herself she still loves him. i know she cooks and does things and doesn't slack off. their daughter is still only 11 also and that plays in the equasion. because of her seizures etc and just how things are in general, her mother in law keeps the kid a lot. son seems to think his sister could just get out of any mess. the daughter in law called the granddaughters family "crappy". well i happen to remember she herself coming all stress out same as daughter when her kid was young, well their son was young and it was talk of divorce. both kids talked about it, neither have divorced. so DIL should not be thinking they are above all that crappy stuff themselves in my opinion.

anyway i am still not feeling good so am just saying hateful things, but truth anyway. I know that they may have trouble with their kid, but like i have said, each of my kids have only one each. so they will never have sibling rivilary to contend with. nooo they do however make up for it by always making such an issur of what is done for the others kid. now sometimes you can ask to keep a kid till you turn blue in the face, but with them having a stepdad and a father and one living grandmother, granted daughter in laws family has more to see her son. but they still fault us like we didn't ask.

well truth is, i have just about asked until i am tired of it. we get daughter's 11 year old girl on wednesday night and sunday m, church days. yes we may keep her overnight because they live waay accross town and she is a bigger girl. we do keep the grandson overnight some but not as oftn because he has just turned 7. he use to be the type if you went to watch him play t-ball etc, he was shy and wouldn't play also.

I just know i am getting more health troubles at almost 66 so yes i do like to combine visits together whenever i can. especially since the kids seem to love seeing each other any other times i can get either one, well that is a big bonus to me. if i a feeling well that is. I am not gonna stress myself out all that much except i do worry about the money part of things, that will be beyond me since i have stopped even doing our checkbook. I use to keep at least five accurate ones for different things like girl scouts, fire departments, church ours etc. now nada. And they still buy more furniture than any couple I know, meaning son. sheesh. like i say, will be glad whn it is all on his credit report, not ours. see i am not altogether stupid am I?

[Jo6]

Daily Joy, you aren't stupid at all!! I sure understand what you are describing and it isn't good to have to deal with it!!

You have had your share of caregiving and I know that for a fact. I helped care for my own Mom, but she didn't have to go to NH. Had she lived a little longer we would have had to place her I'm afraid. It got mighty hard there at the end.

Try not to worry about the kids. I know, that isn't easy to do either. I stay strung out about one or the other about all the time. One day they may understand how trying life can be when They have to care for others.

One of my sons helped take care of his MIL. I have to admire him. She got very difficult and the DIL would just walk out the door and leave it to son, saying SHE couldn't handle it.

I've got to get myself up and do something, like clean up the mess in here where I put my christmas trees up. I have them all in place and they are going to be fine even if I do say so.

To all the caregivers that have LO's in NH's and to those that probably need to put their LO's in NH. I truely admire all of you. Putting LO in NH does not stop the caregiving. If anything it sometimes makes it worse. To all of you I send my love and prayers.

Julia aka Jo s

[Buttons2]

families!!!!

we just never know do we? took me nearly 60 yrs to figure my family out. and sure didn't take too long to figure out I'm NOT part of my housemate's family. his son's run the show now that daughter is gone.

since I cannot control anything re:housemate's health issues (mental & physical) I've warned him if he gives any powers to his one son he will be in a NH in a flash. other son is nicer but he doesn't live nearby.

I learned one important thing this summer,stay out of it! I would be blamed for anything/everything if I had power of health issues (whatever that's called).

Mrs. J I'm glad you have come back to BT. everyone needs a place to vent & know they will find compassion & understanding.

[joy]

i may as well stay on computer as i have taken meds etc and will have to take last dose at midnight. I I go to sleep now, it will be over with when i have to wake then, LOL. So yes i am very chatty tonight.

Pati I think you do very well myself juggling everything that you have to do with housemate all all his man stuff. I make sure to do enough about my own hubby tohere to help keep from blowing the top steam wise off my own head, LOL. Doesn't do to let it all build up for me for sure. I know for a fact my husband just is not good with wordss. even when we were younger, there were times that I would rather have had an I am sorry than presents around Christmas time!

And as for some things, he could be so critical. That is why I seldom drive, well the first fact is having to stop for such a long length of time so many times. And having my arms especially the right one be so sore still after that box falling on me. But if hubby would learn to just sit and not always have something to say, like don't wait and put foot on brake when you see a bump or things like that. It makes me see red, LOL.

I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut with my daughters problems so I do know just about how hard it would be to have to stay out of things especially since I suspect HM"s family aren't there to do much? but will have plenty to say when they are perhaps.

Anyway I was just thinking yesterday how hard I always worked to make sure usbands family could have a place at HGolidays. and once i stopped, seems like I am a forgotten person. I ain't much use for them now and even cards come addresssed with just husbands name. Makes me feel oh so loved and like family, NOT.

anyway I should stop the ranting soon. guess I did kinda overdo it with the cooking. Good thing hubby helped. I neeed to make sure my muffin tins are cleaned tho. If I leave them in the soapy water, they will ruin. :ambivalence: