OT September Chit Chat

[Howie]

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!!! I would stop things before it gets started. She doesn't sound like someone you would want in your life, even for a short time.

[agate]

Virginia, I'd say this high liver doesn't sound like your sort at all. Are you aware that you can tinker with Facebook settings so that some people among your Facebook friends won't see your posts and/or your other friends? I believe you can block them from seeing your photos too.

If she doesn't have access to much of your Facebook information, she might get tired of checking your page.

You can also set up your Facebook Newsfeed so you won't see any of her posts.

If you fail to get back in touch with her, the lunch plan won't ever materialize--unless she's so persistent that she calls to remind you of it, and in that case you could try telling her you really don't go out much at all because of the MS, and you're sorry but you just can't make it. She might offer to drop by for a visit, and in that case you might have to let that happen.


Howie, would that be a 1958 custom Karmann Ghia in your photo?

[Howie]

Okay, you're cheating! I would be so proud if I had taught you something about recognition of the years of Karmann Ghia like I have with Sam. She's really into them now, and doesn't have to resort to cheating.

Sam, I would be more than happy to paint your food bowl hot pink!

[Virginia]

Agate, pretty smart about the Karmann Ghia. As a girl, Sam would probably like a hot pink food bowl.

I've told you guys so much, I'll tell you the rest of the story regarding my "friend". When my husband died in 1987 I had given up my job which I loved to take care of him. It was very challenging and when they offered it back to me about 2 1/2 to 3 weeks after his death I did not know what I could do, so I turned it down. I really wanted to try, but I knew that I had had to leave when he got sick six months before and I did not want to let them down again.

Later, after all business was taken care of I woke one morning and thought what will I do with the rest of my life. I was in my late 40s. So, I looked in the paper and saw an ad for a part-time job. I called and went for an interview. It was this lady. She later told me that it was six weeks after my husband passed away. Anyway, I didn't bother with a resume, I just went and told her my educational background, and where I had worked. Halfway through the interview I got up and apologized. I told her I was sorry that I had taken her time but I just wasn't sure that I was capable of doing the job at that time. I left. A couple of days later she called and said that I didn't leave her my phone number, but that she had gotten it anyway. She said she wanted me to try and that if I could not do it that I could get up walk out and leave for the day or walk around or whatever it took. Makes her sound very caring, but in reality she isn't at all. She may have thought that I work cheaper because I was so unsure of myself at that time. I did for awhile, but I never got up and walked out. I found that I was better off when I concentrated on my work and stayed work related busy. So, I think in a way I felt she got me up and started again.

A few years later I remarried for a short time (3 1/2 years). During that time I didn't work. When I divorced she called and wanted me to have lunch with her. I went and she said that she wanted me to come back. I remember not wanting to and she said "Just come for awhile. You know the business and you will be comfortable." She went on to say "When you are feeling better and can make a good decision you can leave and there will be no hard feelings."

By the way, I worked part-time the first time for maybe a few weeks (about 30 hrs per week) and full time after that. When I went back she quickly worked me into the job that I kept until I left. She always did say that I was the only person she trusted completely enough to turn things over to. And that is what she wanted to do - just turn it over and be on her way. We were doing $10 million to $13 million in the 90s. So it was money coming in and going out and she paid very little attention to it, other than to spend the excess. I didn't care what she spent, but I did care that she put me in many binds by overspending from the business and I had to take care of it. Actually, things went more smoothly when she was away than when she was there. But I worked many nights until 10 and 11PM. I also worked a lot on Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

I think I always felt deep down that she got me out and started when she called me after I walked out of the interview. Never mind what her motive was I still somehow felt that I owed her for that. So that is the story in a nutshell.

[agate]

Virginia, I hope this friend isn't someone who mainly uses people. It sounds as if she pops up in your life when she wants you to help her in her work.

It sounds as if this is more of an employer-employee relationship than a friendship, or no?

If/when you get together for lunch, maybe you should be prepared for another plea for you to return to the work you were doing. Maybe you'd welcome that opportunity but it doesn't sound like it.

[Virginia]

Agate, I couldn't even if I wanted to. Physical disability would not allow it. Anyway, she sold the business a few years back. She might ask me to do some personal work for her. She is pretty well off financially, or at least she was. I don't know about now. She had assets and both her Mother and Father left her land and money. I would definitely say "no". No question, I will never work for her again. I am not able to work period, but certainly not for someone like her.

[Howie]

Virginia, see how we are all looking out for you, making sure you don't get into any bad, or hurtful situation. This is a great bunch of people. I feel a big group hug coming on......((((HUG))))

[agate]

Did you get out of that CarMan Gooey long enough to give somebody a hug? That is so impressive!

[Howie]

I don't know how to cheat like SOMEONE around here does, but that's the classic '32 Ford coupe. Close?

[Catdancer]

I don't accept everyone on Facebook who wants to be my "friend", even if I know them. I just pass them by. I really don't care what sort of algorithms FB might use, or whether my accepting or rejecting someone has any effect on either of us. I just know who I am, what kind of people I hang out with, what kind would be ok with my leftist progressive views. If someone from my past finds me, wants to "friend me, I consider that in my decision. Meaning I have very few "friends", and that's fine with me.

[Earth Mother 2 Angels]

((((((Virginia)))))) ~

Just the fact that this woman's contact and suggestion to have lunch is causing you stress is enough reason to say "no" to her. You shouldn't have to feel conflicted about not wanting to associate with her. You didn't seek her out, nor would you have sought her out. You were fine without her in your life, and now that she's popped back into your life, she's creating stress for you.

I agree with agate that she sounds like a manipulative person with an agenda. She gave you an opportunity to work, but you were the one, who made the effort and moved forward with your life after your husband's death and then your divorce. You worked very hard for her, and she put you in some difficult situations, took advantage of your work ethic and kindness, and yes, used you. You owe her nothing. She may like to make you feel that you owe her, but you do not.

I think Facebook has turned the word "friend" into a meaningless, ambiguous term. It's one of the reasons why I am not and never will be on Facebook. You wouldn't choose this woman to be your friend. So, why should you feel uneasy about turning down her "friend" request? It just puts people in an awkward position and creates ... yes ... stress.

You have enough on your plate, and right now you're concerned about Irma hitting your community. So, ignoring her, or deciding not to connect with her is one less thing on your plate. And it is not something about which you should feel any guilt. Have lunch with a real friend, and let this lady wallow in her beer, wine, and F bombs. She'll be fine. And so will you.

Love & Light,

Rose

[Cat Dancer]

So, here is my dilemma:
I was born to a family of 8 children; I was the youngest. Both parents were alcoholics, and had "loose morals". When I was 17 months old, my mother ran off with a lover, leaving the 8 kids. The oldest was 12. He and his younger brother, 10, were already in trouble with juvenile authorities. My father called his sister, said, "child protective services are coming tomorrow to pick up all the kids. You wanted another baby, a girl -- do you want (my name)? She's sickly; I don't know what'll happen to her..." So his sister and husband left their suburban home and came into the big city, into the "slum area", and picked me up. At the time the family was living in an empty store front, particularly in the empty rooms behind what would have been the public store. My earliest childhood memory is standing, barefoot, inside the room, looking out the storefront windows, watching rain pouring down, and lightning strike the transformer on the street...

So his sister and husband picked me up. Took me out to their suburban home, and reared me as their own, formally adopting me when I was 6 years old. Unknown to me at the time, my biological mother came back to her husband with another baby in arms, and gathered up her kids. Except me. Actually, she came out to the suburbs to get me. My adoptive parents offered her instead $500, with the caveat that if she took the money , she would relinquish all rights to me, and never bother them again. She took the money and moved herself and her kids to Florida (we were in Illinois), never to contact me or my adoptive family again.

Just to be clear, my adoptive mother was biologically my aunt, sister to my biological father. I was reared in this home, not remembering anything about my biological family. I didn't know I was adopted, and wasn't told I was adopted. Until my 33rd birthday, when I had already been married for 12 years, lived far away from home. One of my biological brothers called me -- ostensibly to wish me a happy birthday, but really to extort money from me! Seems they had been contacting my adoptive mother for years, extorting money from her: "Give us money, or we'll tell (me) that she's adopted." That was a secret she didn't want me to know, so she paid. But THIS time she refused, thinking I was far enough away, married, they wouldn't find me. She was wrong. They found me, called me, wanting money.

That was a joke. I was working for the "princely" sum of $9,000/year; TC's job paid him a whopping $12,000/year (this was in 1978)...and essentially living from paycheck to paycheck. I refused, told them never to call me again, and stopped there.

Fast forward to now. TC got interested in this ancestry.com thing -- so we sent off our spit, got our DNA analysis, and they also send a list of "potential relatives". I got a several page list, mostly of "second cousins", "third cousins", etc. And thought no more about it. Until I got an email from a "second cousin twice removed" -- which means that her grandfather and my grandfather were brothers. She sent me all the research she's done, including the names of my biological mother (which I didn't know), the names of all my biological siblings (of which 3 are still alive), and my name. TC is encouraging me to contact the live siblings. I'm ambivalent. My biological parents are dead, several of the siblings dead, the other three (including the one that shares my biological mother but not my father). I'm of two minds -- curious about how the others led their lives, which I could maybe find out a little, by contacting one of them....or "let(ting) sleeping dogs lie".

What do you think? (those of you who have bothered to read this..

[agate]

My curiosity would prevail, I think. I'd want to know and try to contact them. Unfortunately there's the grim possibility that some or all of them might want to glom onto you for what they could get. One's blood relatives can turn out to be just as greedy and grasping as anyone else.

But I'm sure you'll spot the bad apples among them and be able to steer clear of them though there might be some nuisance spells when you'll be getting unwanted calls or even drop-in visits. I was about to add, "Not if you don't let them know your address until you're ready to share that information"--but then I remembered that the Internet can often pinpoint a person's address with an uncanny precision.

How amazing that you were able to find out so much information though!

[Pegakafarmgirl]

at,, nothing ventured, nothing gained,,, I would , but keep everyone at bay, till U feel comfortable,, curious, as a cat I would be......

[Virginia]

Thanks everyone for the support. Thanks Howie for the ((((Hug)))). What Rose said made a lot of sense in that I was the one who took the initiative to pull myself up and go for the interview in the first place, and I was still able to do the work, so guess I've been selling myself short.

Cat, your situation is very interesting. If I had siblings I think I would have to contact them. If you were alone and they could in any way take advantage of you it would even be a little different then, but you have TC and if anything turns out not to be right he is there to back you up. You might find this very interesting. After all they might just be real nice people, or even one of them might just turn out to be a real nice person. That would be great. I say go for it.